A Gathering of Light: Shining Pirates Assemble! (Submission)

[Blushing z0ro]

Plot Title/Link: A Gathering of Light: Shining Pirates Assemble!
Marine Mission Rank/Number: N/A
Mission Number: N/A
Total Number of Posts: 28
Plot Summary: As the budding crew called the Shining Pirates, Leonard Le Clerc, Kussata "Starving" Kotei and Brandon Penguin arrived in Nuevo Romano, the two men and the penguin, met a young femal doctor called Hiroto entered a bar that would forever change their lives. In a matter of moments Balder Albans began to rock the tavern with his "music", much to the horror of everyone except Kussata. Meanwhile the fishman Kage Mako and the SHipwright/Gunner Hikaru Shin both minded their own respective businesses, whether that was a bowl f Ramen or beating the snot out of a molester, when the situation quickly out of hand. Two mysterious figures that had been following Balder, mistakenly thinking he was Kussata, attempt to arrest everyone they deem part of the group of criminal who attacked the base on Marius. After Shin intervened and the Jurrasic rocker crashed himself into the two hooded figures for the sake of his "fans", Leonard formulated his plan to get everyone out of that mess. They would split in two groups, one to attract the attention of the incoming army and the other two gather supplies and procure a ship. Will the Shining Pirates make it out alive? Don't miss the next episode and find out!


Pirate Crew: Shining Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: Leonard Le Clerc
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 5
EXP: 119/500
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0

Pirate Crew: Shining Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: Kusatta "Starving" Kotei
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 4
EXP: 181/500
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0

Pirate Crew: Shining Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: Brandon Penguin
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 4
EXP: 76/100
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 100

Pirate Crew: Shining Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: "Jurassic Rocker" Balder Albans
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 4
EXP: 0/100
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0

Pirate Crew: Shining Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: Hiroto "Black Archer" Shiaru
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 4
EXP: 0/100

What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0
Pirate Crew: Shining Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: Kage Mako
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 4
EXP: 0/100

What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0
Pirate Crew: Shining Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: Hikaru Shin
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 3
EXP: 0/100
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0

[Kurosaki]

-------->Individual Ratings!

Leonardo Le Clerc (Z0) -- 3/5

SPOILER: Click to show

The Good:

[/b]: I really felt like you did a good job paying attention to the surroundings in your first post or two and laying out the Island for everyone. That being said, after your first couple of posts I felt like you moved away from that and it would have been nice to see you keep up the details throughout the thread.

Pro 2: I think you did a real good job portraying Leo as the Captain. He really did a good job taking command over his crew, giving them direction and making sure he took care of them. That leads us into what I think was the best part of your posting...

Pro 3: You did a great job actually taking charge of the plot, tying all the characters that were sort of all over the place together, and pointing everyone in the right direction to all become the Shining Pirates. It seemed a bit rushed at the end, but at least it got you all there![/ul]

The Bad:

[/b]: The real reason why I didn't rank your score higher was your grammar. It really broke up the flow when you had some sentences that either ended abruptly or were missing colons, etc. I would have really liked to see you proofread your posts or see you run it through Microsoft Word first. That would have really also caught some of the sentences you did that started off with the first letter being lowercase...

Con 2: You really super neglected describing any of the characters in terms of appearance including your own! I don't know if you did this in previous threads, but as a grader only reading this one... I had no visual of your character at all. I'd say you don't want to necessarily start out describing your character in detail, but I'd like to see at least some mention of his black hair blowing in the wind or something or raven eyes examining the surroundings or just some mention of his fashion sense or SOMETHING.

Con 3: There were a few times you overplayed your hand and noticed too many details. I didn't really knock off for this but noticing the fishman hiding in the back alleyways like he was in broad daylight on the main road was a bit of a stretch. Make sure you are not looking at what your character sees from an all seeing all knowing perspective but from the actual eyes of your character.[/ul]

The Awesome:

[/i][/ul][/spoiler]

Kusatta (Blab) -- 3/5

SPOILER: Click to show

The Good:

[/b]: While you didn't really do a good job describing your actual character, just like Z0 neglected to mention anything about what he looked like, you really did an amazing job going into the details of the town, people and surroundings.

Pro 2: I really did like that you added some humor in the potato sacks that he uses for his clothes. I would have liked to see more of that commentary!

Pro 3: Nice to see some hints of character growth with your character beginning to trust some people in the Shining Pirates? I'd like to see this played off of more. I think if you mentioned it or went into it more we'd get more of an insight of your character.
[/ul]

The Bad:

[/b]: Sometimes I'm honestly not sure right away who you're talking about. It'd be nice if you said "The Captain" or "That Purple clothed chick" or something to distinguish who your character was thinking about. Sometimes I was paragraphs in before I understood and had to go back and reread your post. If you included some more details as to the characters, instead of just the surroundings, this would probably help. Also use other words for people instead of "Leo" or "Fishman". Get creative!

Con 2: THE PAIN. Omgod, the pain. How is he not in pain? Your character seems incredibly chill about the fact his arm is broken. How you only mention it as an off hand note literally was killing me the entire thread. COME ON NOW.

Con 3: I'm going to mention what I mentioned to Z0 again. Noticing your surroundings is great but knowing too much is also a problem too. Focus on what your character can see from their own eyes, not from the eyes of someone looking above them. I doubt your character would have noticed the fishman hiding in the alleyways RIGHT AWAY.

Con 4: Grammar. Watch it! Seriously. Here's an example: "I need to get something to wear now too.", Kusatta said. Now that he could, he wanted to get rid of his old potato sack. "Also I might get myself some armor, so this", he pointed at his dead arm "doesn't happen again." should be:

"I need to get something to wear now too," Kusatta said. Now that he could, he wanted to get rid of his old potato sack. "Also, I might get myself some armor so this," he pointed at his dead arm, "doesn't happen again."[/ul]

The Awesome:

[/i][/ul][/spoiler]

Brandon (Vio) -- 4/5

SPOILER: Click to show

The Good:

[/b]: What's not to love about the Penguin, Brandon? You did a great job having him be the "eyes". He noticed all the details, gave his little birdy insights to what was going on, and was very descriptive and used a wide range of wordage to express what he was seeing despite never speaking a word!

Pro 2: You did an excellent job with the grammar and that really helped the flow of your posts. I did not stumble on any of the sentences that I read.

Pro 3: 'Nuff said.[/ul]

The Bad:

[/b]: Sometimes I felt like you were going with the flow of what was happening so much that you weren't adding at all to the overall plot. But I'm not sure if that goes along with playing an animal. Kind of hard to contribute.

Con 2: Be careful to not just repeat things that the others are putting. One time you basically put word for word what two other people put about the penguin, beggar, etc standing out.[/ul]

The Awesome:

[/i][/ul][/spoiler]

Balder (Mr. Quincy) -- 5/5

SPOILER: Click to show

The Good:

[/b]: You did a good job with the grammar in your posts. I never noticed even so much as a spelling issue, actually.

Pro 2: Your opening post was hilarious and that really made me take an instant liking to your character. I felt like I got a sense of his personality right away and it made him shine throughout the thread and made me interested to read what happened next with him.

Pro 3: I felt you did an excellent job going into details through your character eyes. Not really noticing too much all at once, but just enough that it made your character feel realistic and interesting. I also loved the way you led the overall plot of the thread together. [/ul]

The Bad:

[/b]: The only thing I have to say is I would have liked to see the plot be a little bit more original/unique or elaborate. I think I was a bit let down by the secret agents dressed in black coming out of the woods to attack that quickly. Maybe some more intrigue? Not sure if that was a group decision though.[/ul]

The Awesome:

[/i][/ul][/spoiler]


Hiroto (Ambs) -- 4/5

SPOILER: Click to show

The Good:

[/b]: I didn't see a single grammar issue and nothing stood out to me that broke me away from the flow of your posts. You did a great job talking to multiple characters despite the fast paced thread where sometimes it was hard to get a word in between all the different characters.

Pro 2: You definitely did a good job moving the plot along with supplying the doctor and getting them all to the location that they needed to be at. My only issue with it was that their meeting seemed rushed. [/ul]

The Bad:

[/b]: Only once you confused the heck out of me when you said that a boat meant land. How does a boat mean land? A boat could be in the middle of the Ocean for all Hiroto knew...

Con 2: I felt that you really neglected to go into details about your character's appearance or your surroundings which was the real reason why I didn't give you a 5/5.[/ul]

The Awesome:

[/i][/ul][/spoiler]

Kage(Dark Eko) -- 4/5

SPOILER: Click to show

The Good:

[/b]: I really loved the detail you put into your posts about your surroundings. I usually got a sense of where your character was without being burdened with too many details at the same time.

Pro 2: Your sentence structure and flow was really great. I felt like I was glued to your posts the whole way through and left wondering where the fishman would go next.

Pro 3: I felt you did a good job overall with your character. He was definitely interesting and his rough but gentle hearted ways made me want to learn more about him.[/ul]

The Bad:

[/b]: Spellingggg. I knocked off for this only because it was a multiple post issue. Sometimes you mixed two letters together but sometimes you downright spelled the word completely wrong.

Con 2: Overuse of the name of your character is something you could definitely work on fixing, especially when you could call him a number of things. "The Shark", "The Shipwright", "The Fishman", "The ex-carpenter", etc. Get creative! [/ul]

The Awesome:

[/i][/ul][/spoiler]

Hikaru (Hikaru) -- 4/5

SPOILER: Click to show

The Good:

[/b]: Your characterization was really good. I actually got a good sense of who he was and what he was about. It took the course of the thread really, but still was very clearly defined. I also thought you did a good job with the details in your posts.

Pro 2: You did a good job at the end of helping to move the plot along and get everyone together by having your character step in to help.

Pro 3: Commentary[/ul]

The Bad:

[/b]: The only real hit that brought you down was that you didn't capitalize properly on occasion and you misspelled a couple of words. I would just suggest proofreading next time to catch these.
[/ul]

The Awesome:

[/i][/ul][/spoiler]


Errors in Template:

N/A

Totals and Endzone!

---->Leonard: (159/500!);
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

EXP at Time of Submission: (119)
Base EXP Earned: (5) * (5) = (25)
Bonus EXP Earned: (5) * (3) = (15)
New EXP Total: (119) + (25) + (15) = (159)

---->Kusatta: (213/500!);
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

EXP at Time of Submission: (181)
Base EXP Earned: (4) * (5) = (20)
Bonus EXP Earned: (4) * (3) = (12)
New EXP Total: (181) + (20) + (12) = (213)

---->Brandon: (96/100!);
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

EXP at Time of Submission: (76)
Base EXP Earned: (4) * (5) = (20)
Bonus EXP Earned: (4) * (4) = (16)
New EXP Total: (76) + (20) + (Bonus EXP) = (96)

You have earned 16 poinz!

---->Balder: (40/100!);
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

EXP at Time of Submission: (0)
Base EXP Earned: (4) * (5) = (20)
Bonus EXP Earned: (4) * (5) = (20)
New EXP Total: (0) + (20) + (20) = (40)

---->Hiroto: (36/100!);
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

EXP at Time of Submission: (0)
Base EXP Earned: (4) * (5) = (20)
Bonus EXP Earned: (4) * (4) = (16)
New EXP Total: (0) + (20) + (16) = (36)

---->Kage: (36/100!);
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

EXP at Time of Submission: (0)
Base EXP Earned: (4) * (5) = (20)
Bonus EXP Earned: (4) * (4) = (16)
New EXP Total: (0) + (20) + (16) = (36)

---->Hikaru: (27/100!);
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

EXP at Time of Submission: (0)
Base EXP Earned: (3) * (5) = (15)
Bonus EXP Earned: (3) * (4) = (12)
New EXP Total: (0) + (15) + (12) = (27)

Please update your profiles!

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