The Strange Pair - Part 2 [Sub]

[BlacKitten]

Thread Title/Link: The Strange Pair - Part 2
Location: Grand Line, Paradise - Bupae Island
Total Post: 67
Brief Synopsis: Pluto and Isaac proceeds to conduct their operation to take down the Red Sparrow. While dubious at the boy's nonchalant suggestion of cutting a skyscraper as means of distraction, Isaac followed through with the plan as the ex-marine went undercover by disguising himself as a member of the Red Sparrow.

When Isaac placed up a table cloth on a window, it signaled Pluto to make his move ten minutes later. That was when he sliced a skyscraper to fall and crash into the Sparrow Tower to create a level of chaos to distract the organization as Isaac proceeds to destroy the greenhouse as doing so would ruin their business.

Meanwhile, Ara was the first to confront Kory Hideki, the second in command of the Red Sparrow. After a short clash, Pluto intervened. He completely outpowered the kickboxer.

Isaac, who was shown the way to the basement by a member in the Hideki family, had to take out the four elite enforcers handpicked by Kory himself. He did just that one by one in a tactical fashion. The greenhouse caught on fire in the end as the ex-marine made his escape towards the outside where he could find Pluto and a broken Kory Hideki. Isaac witnessed the reveal of Pluto's haki to finish off Kory. The two of them headed off towards the port where they planned to leave the island as soon as possible.

Character Name/Link: Pluto
Individual Post Count: 34
X-Poinz at Submission: 9212
Notable Feats:

• Slice a steel skyscraper
• Defeat the second-in-command, Kory Hideki, of the Red Sparrow Organization.

Character Name/Link: Isaac Saifer
Individual Post Count: 33
X-Poinz at Submission: 614
Notable Feats:

• Worked undercover to obtain information to share with Pluto's group
• Defeat four of Kory Hideki's elite enforcers and caused the greenhouse to be engulfed in flames.

[Phantasma]

Claimed.

[Phantasma]

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Name and Link: Isaac Saifer
User: romo
Total X-Poinz: 495 [33 Grand Line posts] x 1.10 [Social and Proactivity bonuses included.] = 545 Earned XPZ


545 + 614 [Total XPZ at submission] = 1159 New total XPZ

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Name and Link: Pluto
User: maru
Total X-Poinz: 510 [34 Grand Line posts] x 1.10 [Social and Proactivity bonuses included rounded up.] = 561 Earned XPZ


561 + 9212 [Total XPZ at submission] = 9773 New total XPZ

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Warning: All mention of real life illegal substances should be avoided on the site in compliance with Proboards TOS. Which includes and is not necessarily limited to; How to make them, what using them feels like and so on in a glamorized light. While the realism is appreciated ultimately we feel that the content mentioned in your posts concerning the effects of Opiates (in conjunction with earlier concerns such as the manufacturing process) given the opportunity could land us in some very hot water. To avoid the possibility of breaching the Terms Of Service set by Proboards we ask you to, as a rule of thumb, not mention real life illegal substances or provide such on the nose references to them. As a formal request from the Bon Voyage Staff any further incidence on this topic will result in steps beyond a reprimand which could result in penalties on earned X-Poinz and beyond.

Sincerely,
   The Staff

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SPOILER: Click to show

{Click me for notes!}Notes: Grammatically speaking the only improvements I would suggest is being aware of run on sentences and comma splices. There wasn't that many but it seems to be a recurrent problem especially when you guys get ankle deep in action scenes. At which I can make an excellent seg-way into what I wanted to discuss content wise. The thread has several odd parts where it seems to flow extra slow due to the amount of content you're packing into each post Bromo and there's this odd disjointedness with what Isaac thinks and with what he does. While I am fully aware that he is a calculating person it's almost like you have to take a break and read over just to make sure you didn't miss him moving. Pluto more so suffers from not talking when he would ordinarily benefit from it, even taking his character into account several times I feel like some of his internal monologues would do better spoken aloud. Kiwi would also benefit from using more body language versus outright saying what emotions overcome the assassin. Other than those minor, minor things I didn't find much else amiss with this particular submission. All and all it was a tolerable read and it shows how long you guys have been writing. I commend the two of you for making such a realistic story and providing an interesting plot to the sites archives. Well done and enjoy your loot ^^. 

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Enjoy your loot!