Odin fullbring

[shenta]

Full name: Odin fullbring

Epithet: the mechanical giant

Other names: none.

Age: 150

Build: large but thinner then most giant.

Gender: Male

Race: Cyborg light ( Giant)

Rank/honer: none

Job/occupation: bounty Hunterr

Total xpz: 300
Used xpz: 300

Appearance:

Height: 40 feet

Head: Odin has short spiky hair, with a long Chinese gote, his right eye is a red mechanical eye for he lost his real one.

Chest: half his upper body had to be replaced with metal after a bad injury, so now it looks like a football stars front pads.

Arm: when he lost his arm he made a lightweight metallic arm, it can move faster then his normal arm plus it's stronger since it's a metal arm. He keeps it covered by a long sleeve that he made.

Personality

Head strong: When Odin puts his mind to something or makes up his mind it's very hard to get him to change it.

Giants pride: Odin like any giant loves to have a good fight, and earning his trust is very hard tho once you do he becomes a good Ally.

Sense of justice: Odin dose not like pirates but he dose not like the Marines much either but he needs a way to eat. Odin follows his Hart so his justice goes by how his Hart feels about it.

Mood shifter: Odin is normally a happy go lucky type but if you make a enemy out of him he becomes like a mad beast.

Traits

Supreme Strength
Thanks to intense training regimes, you have physical might that surpasses humans but being a giant dose not hurt either which gives far more strength.


Inhuman Toughness
Your natural tolerance to pain, bulk or armour protects you from damage to an extent, allowing you to persevere through injuries that would cripple or incapacitate anyone else. Just remember, you’re not indestructible

Negative.

Cumbersome
Your size is as much a blessing as it is a curse. You’re too heavy to develop any high-speed or high-agility Techniques, like Soru, and are generally a lot easier to land a decent blow on than smaller races.


Conductive
Negative
With his arm being made of steel he becomes like a lightning rod. When he is hit with lightning it Fry's his cords and unless fixed he will be unable to use it. 

Equipment


Mechanical arm
Rank:2
Xpz:250
Description: Odin arm is made of a strong steel that is good for fights. His arm can detach at the wrist and shoot out with a chain. His arm has a socket for the harpoon to fire from. And his fingers can open up to fire large bullets from them. Tho he has to manually reload the bullets and harpoons. 



Fighting styles

Name: Mechanical mayham
Focus: long range. Augmented Combat. Mid range combat.
Class: E
Description: using the gadgets he has installed into his chest and arm Odin uses them in battle.

Technique name: bullet fingers
Rank: 1
Xpz: 50 free for rebate
Description: the tips of Odin's right fingers open up as he fires bullets, tho since he is a giant the bullets are almost the size of Cannon's. After each shot he has to manually reload the bullets. 

Technique name: chain arm grab
Rank 1
Xpz: 50 free for rebate
Description: Odin can launch his hand off of his arm and it's connected to a chain. It helps him to either grab his opponent or to punch them.

Technique name: hand drill.
Rank:1
Xpz: 50 free for rebate
Description: since his hand was also metal he can make it spin like a drill which he can use to attack or smash into the ground to shake it up.

Technique name: harpoon torpedo.
Rank: 50
Xpz: 50
Description:: on the side of his mechanical arm he has a launcher that raises up a few inches so it can fire aa norma sized harpoon at the enemy. It can hold up to four shots but he can only shoot one at a time. 

Background: Odin was a successful bounty Hunter for a long time, most people was either two weak to fight or they just surrendered. One day a bunch of pirate  goons came to  the island that Odin was on and they got into a fight but the end result was losing part of his chest,a eye and a arm. Being on the brink of death he passed out,when woke he found that a man repaired him using machine parts. After the man showed him how to fix his self Odin went back out into the world to find the men  but unfortunately they had already left for the grandline so until he could get there Odin began his search

[Jade]

Hey there shenta! So, there's quite a few things with this character that are going to need some work! Minor issues, you've got some grammatical issues and misspelled words here and there - nothing that's too concerning, I'd just recommend taking a second to read over the profile again and fixing whatever you can catch.

Moving onto the bigger issues now... There's, well, there's quite a few things, actually. Starting from the top of the profile and working down, we've got your Cyborg Defense Trait - the issue here is that, as you've described it, this isn't a Trait at all, but more like you're trying to get a free sort of Armor Equipment by building it into the character. I can understand the thought process, but cyborgs do need to buy their equipment, just like every other character on the forum; just because their equipment is integrated into their body doesn't allow them to function so differently from anyone else. You'll need to remove this Trait, at any rate, but the good news is that you can replace it with something else instead! I'd recommend taking a look through some other approved profiles for Trait ideas, if you're struggling, but just remember that you can and should make your character's Traits fit them and the concept you're going for with them!

Next up is your "Giant's Style" FiSt - more specifically, the Shockwave Punch technique. First of all, this technique and its ability to create a shockwave would require an appropriate Aspect on the FiSt (which you will need to wait until you can bump Odin's FiSts to D rank or higher to apply for), and, furthermore, even if you had the proper Aspect, this would be a Rank 2 technique at the very least. For the time being, I would suggest removing this technique entirely, and maybe replacing it with a proper Rank 1 technique in its place until you can apply for Shockwave Punch again in the future.

Odin's Mechanical Mayhem FiSt and its associated techniques have several issues, which I will break down in a bulleted list instead of subjecting you to another paragraph:

• FiSt Focus: So, the issue here is that, instead of telling us what Mechanical Mayhem's actual Focus is, you've just listed a few mechanical or weaponry words - and then the far too vague and open-ended term "etcetera". Instead of just listing a few neat-sounding words, you should provide a succinct summary of what this FiSt focuses on. I'd assume something along the lines of "Augmented Combat, Long Range" would be some good key words here, but it's up to you to decide what works best.
• Equipment as Techniques: Hm. Okay. As I said above, about the Cyborg Defense Trait, you've sort of taken a... Strange, albeit understandable, approach. However, just because you're a "cyborg", you can't just throw out all kinds of weaponry and say "yeah, of course, I just have these cool gadgets in my body because I'm a cyborg!" - you still need to actually purchase these pieces of equipment. I can't speak for cannon-fingers, but flamethrowers and "ice sprays" would most certainly be higher than Rank 1 pieces of equipment - I'd say Rank 2, or probably 3, would be more fitting for them, both which are probably out of your budget at the moment.

Okay, with that particular breakdown out of the way, there's one last thing I'd like to point out as needing altered - the mention of Odin getting his butt personally whooped by one Donquixote Doflamingo. Direct interaction with canon characters in this way goes against site policies as I (and the other staff member I communicated with to verify) understand them. I'd genuinely suggest that you create some sort of all-new character for Odin to have a personal grudge with in this way, though of course, that character could have connections to Doflamingo, or something along those lines - have fun with it!

Once you make the required changes, respond saying so so that we can continue with the approval process.

[shenta]

Ok aj, hope I was able to fix it correctly.

[Jade]

Okay, so after taking a second look at this, the first thing I'd like to mention this time is Odin's Conductive Trait. Now, when the negative Trait write-up suggests "water" as a potential weakness, it does not mean "rust" - it refers to actually causing your mechanical bits to short circuit, or something to that effect. You know, something that would cause problems for you immediately, rather than something that would require time and constant exposure. You'll need to change the wording on Odin's Conductive Trait accordingly.

As for your techniques - you're sort of moving in the right direction, but the fact of the matter is that I think you're going to need to have to provide a more in-depth description of Odin's actual cyborg arm, what it includes, and what it is capable of. That includes all of the gear that would be contained in it, which, looking at what you've provided here, would need to include at least the "finger guns/cannons" and a "harpoon launcher". Please list this in an appropriately titled "Equipment" section.

Finally... You've still included a direct connection to Doflamingo in Odin's Background. Even if Doflamingo didn't go personally, him personally sending goons is too close. Please cut all ties to Doflamingo out of Odin's background entirely, unless you feel like you can thread that needle a little bit better than you have the past two attempts.

Get back to me when you've made the required changes!

[shenta]

Ok fixed. 

[Jade]

Alright, first of all, you didn't fix the Conductive Trait. Actually, it doesn't look like you touched it at all. Make sure you fix the issue I pointed out in my last post before you post in this profile again.

Next... Hoo-boy, we've got some problems. As you've presented it, Odin's Mechanical Arm is, for sure, a Rank 5 piece of Equipment. You're going to need to strip nearly all of these things out of it - even just having harpoons, cannons, and mortars here is going to make this bad boy a Rank 2. Until you can pay for those other things with XPz properly, they shouldn't even be mentioned in your profile at all, so make sure you take those things out. Like... Missiles of any sort are high Ranking pieces of equipment, and that doesn't even begin to get into these hoses of "flammable liquid" and liquid nitrogen, or the lasers and rockets that you're apparently firing out of your chest.

Strip that Mechanical Arm down to a piece of Equipment you can actually afford, take care of the Conductive Trait, reconfigure the Techniques accordingly, and get back to me.

[shenta]

Fixed the conductive part and sorry about that, had fixed it but then had to reload the page which put it back to before I fixed it. 

Also stripped all the stuff from the arm cept a few things, changed the harpoon to rank 2 just to be on the safe side. 

[Jade]

Alrighty shenta, we've still got some things to work out. I'll start with the Negative Trait Conductive this time - you're using some rather wishy-washy wording here that could allow you to bypass this Negative Trait entirely, if it so suited you in the middle of RP. I'm going to ask you to tighten up that wording, so it sounds much more like Odin's arm either shorts out and becomes inoperable, or something, that sounds like a real weakness. You're free to say something about how it needs to be fixed as well. In addition, you may want to edit this to smooth out the part you just copied from the Traits thread so that it flows more naturally - the first half of the sentence (before the comma) sounds quite awkward.

Second... There's a few things about the Mechanical Arm piece of equipment that are going to need fixing up. This "flexible but strong alloy" that you're describing it being made out of is going to be far too strong and poorly-defined to be acceptable, so I'd probably recommend going with something more common, like iron, or maybe steel? You can always upgrade it later, but for the time being... Anyway, this is going to need to be something you'll spend XPz on to purchase - which does mean you'll get Rebate XPz to spend on techniques that make use of it.

I'd make sure to add notes about the mechanics of these "finger cannons" and the harpoon launcher as well. As it stands now, these are written in such a way that would make them extremely overpowered for a starting character; the "finger cannons" sound like they're just able to be fired rapid-style, like a machine gun, so make sure you mention that these are good for one shot before needing to be reloaded manually, or something to that effect. For the harpoon launcher, firing four of these at once is too much - you can be able to fire one at a time and have four loaded, but launching all four at once is just too much.

Overall, even with the changes I just mentioned about the changing of the finger cannons and the harpoon launcher, this Mechanical Arm is going to be a Rank 2 piece of equipment, minimum. That gets to 150 rebate XPz to spend on techniques that make use of it, so hey! That's something.

Anyway, make the required changes and get back to me. Make sure you note on the Mechanical Arm that it's Rank 2, and maybe a mention of it's Rebate XPz and how it's spent as well.