Mission 20: The Black Infiltrator

[viruswithshoes]

Plot Title/Link: The Black Infiltrator
Marine Mission Rank/Number: N/A
Mission Number: 20
Total Number of Posts: 42
Plot Summary: In order to test the security at the Marine base known as Nararone Pluto, a master of stealth and cunning has been paid to infiltrate the base and test their security measures and personnel. In the chaos that Pluto wrought a few young Marines stood out despite fighting an enemy far out of their league.



Marine Division: N/A
Marine Name/Link: Dagon Basqiat
Marine Rank: Chore Boy
Number of Posts: 11
EXP: 150/500
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0

Pirate Crew: N/A
Pirate Name/Link: Pluto
Current Bounty:
Number of Posts: 13
EXP: 2796/3000
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0

Marine Division:
Marine Name/Link: Senshi Odayakama
Marine Rank: Petty Officer
Number of Posts:10
EXP:198/500
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0

Marine Division:
Marine Name/Link: Taighana Tsubaki
Marine Rank: Petty Officer
Number of Posts: 8
EXP:140/500
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0

[cremuex]

Hello everyone!

I'll be grading this thread *puts a ribbon on it to claim it*.

[cremuex]

-------->Individual Ratings!



Dagon Basqiat (Viruswithshoes) -- 4/5

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}The Good:

[/b]: You're on point with things like your spelling, grammar, syntax, paragraphs and all that fun stuff. It's easy to read, and more than just that, it's FUN to read. You've got this unique trait where your humour shows through in your writting and I'm not even sure you mean to be funny you just kind of are. Stuff like "He felt like he had been handed an octopus and told to use it to compose a symphony." I understand it's meant to be absurd but... You are just a great writter and I can't help but smile and be that little bit happier whenever I get to see you're work.

Story: When you first started out they were trudging through sewerage, then they were washing floors- while these weren't necessary for the plot in any way, it was good for a bit of a background as to what their normal not life threatening days are like. You also had the initiative to go and find someone (odango) to group yourself with, even if it took a few posts to end up at her side. Admittedly there wasn't much that a flashlight holder can do to progress the story other than identify the villain, but Dagon not staying down certainly did help.

Your characters: You just have a talent with making interesting characters. Dagon is flawed and the reasoning behind it is equal parts hilarious, understandable and kinda of heartbreaking. This can also go under the pro of the writing topic since it's through the way that you write that the reader can see how they think and feel and do the things that they do. Besides Dagon there was another hot little ticket that made me choose this as a pro over a bunch of other things- they were mentioned quite a few times in the thread leading up to the climactic battle, so I kind of knew about the character from there but- ARLEE. When they showed up I legitimately lost it. Like 'who is this person, what are they doing here, I need to know more' sort of a deal. There was a logical reasoning behind it but still it gave me a real life reaction of intensely needing to know more. [/ul]
The Bad:

[/b]: I read that paragraph a few times because it just wouldn't click to me what you meant by "He imagined himself holding someone by the neck while ramming his knees into their ribs." I figured it out eventually; that it involved him leaning over the broom and the 'ramming his knees' bit was the pushing forward motion. To me it was just a bit of a mental disconnect between cleaning and violence that my brain couldn't quite comprehend. normally you're quite clear and detailed with your writing, which just made this stand out to me. Not bad considering this is the ONLY fault I can find and I read the thread three times deliberately looking for cons so that I could help. Why you gotta be so perfect Virus? Eh? Why?

[/ul]
The Awesome:

[/i][/ul] - Offered with no context.[/spoiler]



Senshi Odayakama (dandead10) -- 2/5

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}The Good:

[/b]: Thanks to how long your posts are you're able to cover a lot of detail. This is both in the sense of larger details like the scenery and also the smaller more intricate details such as how you wrote about the swords. That type of world building helps tell the story as to what's important to your character by talking about one thing over another. Not mentioning something says as much about the thing neglected as talking about something does to the value of that particular thing. Personally, I like reading stories that have a bit more depth to them, they just seem more genuine and real to me because it shows that the author cares about their subject.

Informative: One of the things that I noticed was how well you kept track of things- not just your own posts and group, but other people and even their NPCs. This is more of a continuity thing and it also links in with the detail above. For example, when you noted that one ensign and 16 seamen recruits made up a patrol. That's sold and that's something that you, and others, can keep track of. Saying there's a group of recruits patrolling, that's fine, when you add how many and what rank, that's great. Adding in things like what was protocol or what could be expected in certain situations also gives the audience just that little bit more of a feel that they know what's going on and can follow the story better. It gives the illusion of agency, which is a very powerful writing skill to have as it's something that can be used to enthrall the reader. Ever had a book that you just couldn't put down because you were so wrapped up in it? That's the potential that I can sense in you.

Story: If you consider that Virus and Odango were partnered together in their little group, that would mean that you and Kitten were in your own little group. While Kitten had plenty of things to interact with since there were three people to play off- you were probably in the most isolated position. This meant that you needed to push the plot along yourself a bit more than the others might have had do. That took a lot of initiative to go after the big bad without having other player characters back up immediately there, but you made good use of your NPC's and did a pretty great job on forging the story from your little corner. You managed to group up with them in the middle/end but you were carrying that on your own shoulders pretty well. [/ul]
The Bad:

[/b]: One of the things that made your writing awkward was that you seemed to write in present tense, and then jump back and forth between present, past and in one post, even future tense. I understand that in the case of future tense this was because you didn't want to take control of another persons character. that makes plenty of sense and in that situation I understand why you did it. Please stick to just one tense if possible, that being past tense. It's fine if you go off in a little tangent and use hypothetical situations, and sometimes present tense and past tense can fit well within each other such as with actions. (What i mean by this is "John is sitting" and "John was sitting" both use 'sitting' which is present tense and sat is past tense, but it works in those types of sentences. That will definitely help your readability and it'll also help to flow with other writers that you're role playing with, who all also, just past tense.

Paragraphs: Namely, their chunky sizes and when to make a new paragraph. If a new scene is being set, it should be a new paragraph. Is someone different speaks, this should also be a new paragraph, or at least, dropping a line and keeping it separate from the previous persons comment/s.

Communication : While you did a great job by leaving the OOC notes, and that time you used future tense was understandable, it could be avoided and doing so will improve your writing as well. It'll make the thread into a more continuous and flowing story too. That is, talking and plotting with your peers outside of the thread. This can be in the chat, in PMs, over skype, whatever you both feel comfortable with. This way you can ask them if it's ok for your character to do certain things, and with their permission, follow to the next action in your planned sequence. For example; What is Kitten decided that no, he wasn't going to allow that to happen to his character. You've just written a paragraph or two that now needs to be discarded even though it was recently put there in the readers mind. That's another reason why I stress the importance of past tense. Once it is stated, it happened, so there's no weird convoluted time line jumping about the thread.

I don't even know what this was? There was a post that you made that read as being in first person perspective? By that I mean "You had seen", "The ensign would toss off his cap to show a strong looking man as his troops had raised their rifles at you.", "Troops focused they would aim their rifles at your body as the Ensign would suddenly speak. " and stuff like that. I understood what you meant by it, since in the context the 'you' would be BlacKitten's Pluto character. One way to avoid this is to use the character's pronouns, mention the character themselves or make it a general statement instead of telling people what is happening to them, the reader. Here's how you could have done that in different ways- 'Troops focused their rifles aim at [him] / [the dark figure] / [Pluto] .' By general statements I'm referring to things like "You had seen." It could be changed to "One could see.", "It could be noted", "Anyone in the room/position could tell-" sort of things. [/ul]
The Awesome:

[/i][/ul][/spoiler]

Errors in Template:

Just the link should have been to Here instead of Here.

Totals and Endzone!

---->Dagon: 205 EXP;

Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}EXP at Time of Submission: 150 EXP

Base EXP Earned: 11 * 1 = 11

Bonus EXP Earned: 11 * 4 = 44

New EXP Total: 150 + 11 + 44 = 205

---->Pluto: 2,861 EXP;

Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}EXP at Time of Submission: 2,796 EXP

Base EXP Earned: 13 * 1 = 13

Bonus EXP Earned: 13 * 4 = 52

New EXP Total: 2,796 + 13 + 52 = 2, 861

---->Senshi: 228 EXP;

Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}EXP at Time of Submission: 198 EXP

Base EXP Earned: 10 * 1 = 10

Bonus EXP Earned: 10 * 2 = 20

New EXP Total: 198 + 10 + 20 = 228

---->Tsubaki: 180 EXP;

Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}EXP at Time of Submission: 140 EXP

Base EXP Earned: 8 * 1 = 8

Bonus EXP Earned: 8 * 4 = 32

New EXP Total: (140 + 8 + 32 = 180

Please update your profiles!

---

Bounty Notice: It's possible your actions in this thread warrant retribution! If you wish to seek a bounty for your characters, you can apply for one here.

Payment Notice: It's possible your actions in this thread warrant a payout! If you wish to seek berri for your character, you can apply for a payout here.

---

[/font]



Also, just a note to Odango; Tsubaki is now a level D class character! Congratulations in going up a rank.