Arriving at Ohara! The Next Crewmember? (Sub)

[Cryo Through the Looking Glass]

Plot Title/Link:Arriving at Ohara! The Next Crewmember?
Marine Mission Rank/Number: N/A
Mission Number: N/A
Total Number of Posts: 51
Plot Summary: Zen and Eden arrive on Ohara, after their escapade on Toroa. After leaving their stolen boat, they go to a source of commotion, where the explorer Herber is showing the crowd a map said to lead to a treasure on the island. A group of mercenaries enter a scuffle with the pair, but they are helped by Alexandra, a swordswoman/linguist who helps them fight off the thugs. They team up to get through the map, solving a riddle leading them to the ruins of the Library of Ohara. There, Zen falls into a set of tunnels that leads him into an encounter with the mysterious figure and hirer of the mercenaries, Ivan. Zen journeys back to the group, who have engaged in a fight with the same group as before, who kidnap Herber. As Zen returns, he takes out some snipers before Eden's attacks cause the already unstable ground to open up in the form of a sinkhole. Alex and Zen defeat the thugs and retrieve Herber, before following Eden into the chasm. There they find a deadly trap-loaded temple. Whilst exploring it, the trio are interrupted by the crime lord, who easily kills Herber for stealing what was originally his map. After a heated battle, the trio eventually defeat the man, before escaping the temple as it crumbles around them. Travelling back onto the boat, the makeshift crew go onto the next island...



Pirate Crew: Cainhurst Pirates (Captain)
Pirate Name/Link: strawhatforum.proboards.com/thread/23854/eden-cainhurst
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 17
EXP: 56/150
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0


Pirate Crew: Cainhurst Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: strawhatforum.proboards.com/thread/23869/zenith-rauner
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 17
EXP: 56/150
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0


Pirate Crew: Cainhurst Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: strawhatforum.proboards.com/thread/23875/alexandra-tarrant?page=1
Current Bounty:0
Number of Posts: 17
EXP:0/150
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0

[cremuex]

Hello! I'll be taking this thread for grading. 

[cremuex]

-------->Individual Ratings!



Eden Cainhurst (grim) -- 3.5/5

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}The Good:

[/b]: This is a comment that you and Cryo both share. You're writing got so much better as you went through the thread. I think traveller helped out immensely with this. You went from having walls of text to using paragraphs properly. You were pretty good at being descriptive to start off with, but you did even better with more time.



Pro 2: You did great on the fight scenes, which, admittedly, there was a fair amount of. I think the hands on fighting was one of the better parts visually, besides running through the tree tops. Writing a good fight scene takes good control over NPCs, you need to not only know your own character but semi-make various amounts of other fighters with different fighting styles and patterns and you did exactly that. They way that they fight is another way to show off the character's personality- Eden is pretty direct in his fighting, as he is as a person. Zen likes to keep his distance and not put himself in danger if it can be avoided- that's pretty smart. Alex falls in between- she's pretty measured and balanced.


[/ul]



The Bad:

[/b]: You remember that time when Zen fell down the hole and Eden pulled him from the hole and brushed him off? That indicated to me that you need to communicate a bit more with the other RPers in your group. While that would have been ok if it was an NPC, Cryo was using that to advance the story in his way. The point is, that you can't assume or control other peoples characters without their permission. You should talk to the RPer and ask if it's ok, if they say yes you should also note that you have that persons permission to do that. For example, if someone's character falls unconscious and they say it's ok for you to move them to a hospital or somewhere safe then you put a little OOC note to the grader. This is called god modding, but I think that you might already know this by the end of the thread because you didn't do it again.



Con 2: Another thing that I've noticed you do a few times is start in the middle of a sentence. I thought that maybe you'd just forgotten a word and that's ok, sometimes words get jumbled or you delete them because you thought of something better but didn't reread it so the sentence is disconnected. So long as it's readable a few of those are fine, but just keep an eye on it for the future. Same thing with typo's really. You'll get better at it the more you write. You might also want to keep an eye out for simple things like putting full stops at the end of sentences or after a character has spoken.



Con 3: " The arm morphed mid coitus, forming a large wooden arm as it blasted into the back of the man. " Just gonna leave that there. I honestly can't think of what word you might have been going for, probably, in the middle of his movement but I had to read that paragraph a few times just to figure out what the heck was going on because that was pretty jarring. It was on page two if you wanna know where I grabbed that from.[/ul]



The Awesome:

[/i][/ul][/spoiler]

Zenith Rauner (DarthCryo04) -- 3.5/5

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}The Good:

[/b]: I'm actually really impressed by how much you improved over the course of one thread. If you look at your first few posts and then compare them with your last few posts, you can definitely see it. At the start, you would have gotten a three, which is an average thread grade, but at the end you were a lot better, more like a four, which is good! It's good to see that you were learning from others (I think Traveller has been a great role model for you) and blending in with other peoples styles makes the story flow and easier to read. Good job mate!



Pro 2: Your character helped a lot with pushing the story along plot wise for what was available for your character. You set up the guy with the map, you got Alex to go along with the adventure even though you're not the captain, that Herber actually stole the map, which allowed for the big bad to come up as a plot point later, the existence of the snake guy and his ability to use Haki (and being a legitimate threat), murdering Herber. You also kept Zen to an 'E-class' feel, he's flawed, relatively weak and a 'normal' person. Which is exactly where he should be at this level.


[/ul]



The Bad:

[/b]: This isn't bad so much as something that you can improve on in future threads. At the start you said there was a group of thugs. Well, how many is in the group? That did they look like. It builds a better picture of what's going on if you know how many opponents there are, and how they compare, that way you can keep track of them and the reader is able to sense how dangerous a situation is more readily. The group is three people? No sweat, the protagonists can handle that! A group of fifteen, yikes, this might be a bit of a nail biter!



Con 2: You could do with being a bit more aware of your character's surroundings, just a little bit more detail can go a long way! I know I mentioned about the NPC's in the previous point, but more interesting than NPC's is your own character/s! You won't always have the same grader through out all of your threads, so at the start, if it's a plot thread like this one, it might be a good idea to let the reader know what the character looks like (so they don't need to read your characters profile for a description).



Con 3: One of the things that threw me in your thread was that you had a DF item. Now, that's completely fine and it makes sense for your character to have one, especially if he was dabbling in DF's himself. HOWEVER, it would be better if you explained what was going on a little bit better the first time it's used. It doesn't need to be explained every time, but the first time each thread is a good rule of thumb to go by. For example, what does the glove look like in half hybrid form? Are people going to read your character sheet and then look into DF stuff? Not really. We can if we need to, but it's mostly to make sure your EXP and level stuff is alright. [/ul]



The Awesome:

[/i][/ul][/spoiler]



Alexandra Tarrant (Traveller) -- 5/5

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}The Good:

[/b]: Oh my goodness, first off, your writing is pretty amazing as it is. Definitely a high four, coming veeeery close to a five. I can't really say much on how you could do any better. You have a stable writing style that doesn't fluctuate much; Started great, ended great. Your attention to detail, the way you express your character not only through actions but through the flavour of their thought process is very telling and builds a report almost immediately. She had so many great one liners it was difficult to choose one quote over another. On the topic of your character specifically, she's pretty darn hilarious with how blunt she can be and it was just such a pleasure reading your posts with how common-sense she was about things. It just made her very relatable and a top notch character.



Pro 2: There were a lot of fight scenes in this thread and over all you all did really well with them, but you were just that much better at keeping tabs on what everyone was doing. You really helped to summarize what everyone was doing and in what order the events transpired between the three main characters. You're also great at dealing with NPCs. A little bit of personality given to some thugs really makes the world feel more real and that you're not just writing a one dimensional character but have a good handle on a spectrum of characters.



Pro 3: I don't know much about other languages or scripts and codes, but it was interesting how you explained how they'd gotten to the conclusion or finding that they had. You could have simply put that she scanned it until she understood but you went that extra step and it's really cool that you did that! I appreciated it at least. They were some pretty decent rhyming riddles that you had to make up on the spot too. [/ul]



The Bad:

[/b]: I honestly don't know how you could have done any better? Your writing is beautiful and gripping and interesting and fluid and just A +++. The only thing I can think of is that they're still an E class character but their techniques are all justifiable and make sense from their history and they've got Vio's stamp of approval. I literally don't know how you can improve beyond just keep writing and doing your own thing. 
[/ul]



The Awesome:

[/i][/ul][/spoiler]

Errors in Template:

N/A

Totals and Endzone!



---->Eden Cainhurst: 201 EXP;

Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}EXP at Time of Submission: 56

Base EXP Earned: 17 * 5 = 85

Bonus EXP Earned: 17 * 3.5 = (59.5 rouded up) 60

New EXP Total: 56 + 85 + 60 = 201

---->Zenith Rauner: 201 EXP;

Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}EXP at Time of Submission: 56

Base EXP Earned: 17 * 5 = 85

Bonus EXP Earned: 17 * 3.5 = (59.5 rounded up) 60

New EXP Total: 56 + 85 + 60 = 201

---->Alexandra Tarrant: 170 EXP;

Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}EXP at Time of Submission: 0

Base EXP Earned: 17 * 5 = 85

Bonus EXP Earned: 17 * 5 = 85

New EXP Total: 0 + 85 + 85 = 170

Please update your profiles!

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