The Boy Who Seeks Adventure,The Man Who Seeks His Target-Sub

[nejihirako]

Plot Title/Link: The Boy Who Seeks Adventure, The Man Who Seeks His Target
Total Number of Posts: 16
Plot Summary: Neji Hirako went to Shivre Mountain in hope of forming a crew and getting a ship to start his career as a pirate, while Jin Daniels went there after following clues of his target, Marco Taeygrn. Both of them met after a fight in the tavern with the bandits.

Neji found a letter with one of those bandits, and it revealed that they were digging a tunnel to connect to the town's mines and raid it. And Jin's target, Marco Taeygrn, was sponsoring the operation. Jin decided to fight the bandits in hope of finding Marco Taeygrn, while Neji went with him because he smelled adventure in this, and because there was a certain bandit he wanted to meet.

While they were walking on the outskirts of the town, Neji heard screaming,  and quickly ran towards the source of the scream, and Jin went after him. It was a small kid whose parents were killed by some bandits, and Neji recognized one of them. He was called Duncan Vorl, and was known as "Double-Axes Vorl" because of his choice of weapons.

After a short conversation between them, Jin arrived and dealt with the bandits who were holding the kid, while Neji fought with Vorl. But he was easily defeated and injured, and Vorl decided to leave him alive because of the "Old times' sake", then Neji lost conciousness. 

Jin and the little girl, called Takana Orihime, took Neji to a doctor and got his injury treated, while he was having a dream about the past. Vorl was the First-Mate of Neji's former crew, the Scar Pirates. After the death of Neji's father, Vorl had feelings for Neji's mother, who got an un-curable illness, and eventually died. The shock made Vorl leave the crew.

When Neji woke up, he thanked Jin for saving him, and talked with the little girl. She knew the location of the tunnel Neji and Jin were looking for, but Neji told her that it would be dangerous for her to get involved in these things, but she could help them by at least describing the place. He then discussed with Jin when should they attack, but before they finish, little Orihime felt sick.
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Name/Link: Neji Hirako
Number of Posts: 8
EXP: 0
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0
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Name/Link: Jin Daniels
Number of Posts: 8
EXP: 0
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0

[cremuex]

Hello! Just posting to let you know that I'll be grading this!

[cremuex]

I'm really impressed by how much you grew as a writer from your first post to your later posts Neji! Jin, you're pretty well rounded, and there's no one place you need to focus on more than others. Overall, you both will get even better the more you role play. Don't get down about getting a 3, it's an average score; Your score will get higher the more you practice and hone your skill!



-------->Individual Ratings!



Neji Hirako (Player 1) -- 3/5

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}The Good:

[/b]: You're pretty quick to improve from your first few posts! With Jin's guidance you learned about God-modding and you took it to heart. You got better and respected your RP partner in doing so. I also noticed that your style started to mirror Jin's a bit (what with using colours to differentiate characters speech). While colouring text isn't necessary, it does make things easier to follow.



Pro 2: You seem pretty good at controlling NPC's and giving them a bit of character. I'm sure that you'll keep getting better the more that you post and that you'll come to find ways to make them more unique. A reader is able to tell NPC's apart when you do stuff like have them talk to each other. It just makes them feel that little bit more alive and believable. Keep it up, it's a good trait for any writer to have!



Pro 3: You did a lot to help move the plot along, even if the thread didn't come to a conclusion (a duel with the rock dragon bandits, a raid on the mines, etc.). You helped with a lot of information- where the bandits were, what they were doing, what type of people they are, fleshing out a bit of the town with locations. There's always ways to get better of course, but you did a pretty good job of it for what I assume to be your first thread![/ul]



The Bad:

[/b]: This isn't so much bad, as a place that you can improve. I've noticed in some of your posts you seem to miss a word or two? It wouldn't take much to fix, just a reread of what you've done before you post it, or later when you find something as you go over the story again to refresh your memory.



Con 2: I think your score would go up, and your writing would be better if you spent a little bit longer on your scenery. For example, the bar they went into- what did it's exterior or interior look like? What does the waiter and the antagonists look like? Was there anything distinctive about anything? If not, you can still comment on how simple, plain or mundane they are. It just brings a little bit more feel and vision to what the character's situation is. Oh, and more importantly then chairs and tables- what does your CHARACTER look like? Little things like that really help build up the story (and it also means that your reader doesn't have to reference your character sheet too!).



Con 3: I'm not sure if you both agreed before hand about using each others characters or not? "They both left the tavern" assumes control of the others character and causes them to preform action that the other may not necessarily cause them to do. Please be careful of this in the future because unless it's specifically stated that all parties agreed (you can do so in OOC comments) it is considered a form of god-modding and is actually against the forum's RP rules. You've done it a few times, partly with how the other character responds (ignoring, showing interest); Since Jin themselves added a link to godmodding, it's clear this wasn't in response to a prior agreement. One way to fix this is to communicate with your RP partner. If they're online you can ask them "how would they respond to this?" or "what would they do in this situation?" if you feel like you need to directly use what another person is going to say or do before they actually post that they have done it.



Con 4: You also seem to skip certain details. One example is when your character (I assume) stabbed one of the bullies at the bar. Where did the knife come from? Who was wielding it? Another example is the letter they acquired. You state that they got it from one of the guys at the bar, yes, but when and how did they get it? Was the knife tucked against him in his pants, hidden by a loose fitted shirt? Did he manage to nab the document when the victim was shocked by being stabbed, did their hands swiftly pick his pockets when they pushed them off his knife? Also, remember to note these things AS THEY HAPPEN, instead of as an after thought. [/ul]



The Awesome:

[/i][/ul][/spoiler]





Jin Daniels (Player 2) -- 3/5

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}The Good:

[/b]: The way you handled another member's use of your character without your permission was really commendable. You made it work to your character even if it might not have been what you would have chosen for them to do in that situation. That just shows that you're a really adaptable person and you were very mature in how you just handed them the information instead of flaming at them.



Pro 2: In the later part of the thread it was really nice to see a softer side to the assassin. Personally, I think it makes them just that much more endearing as a character, and more well rounded. I suppose versatile would be a good world for it, but it's still a very well made character and I hope to see them in some more threads! (Tough guy with a heart of gold, how can you not love that trope?)



Pro 3: You're pretty good at working off your RP partner too, which helps build each other (and the story) up! While I think that the amount of detail could get better with more practice, it isn't at a bad spot either. The pacing was good, and from the little taste of fight scenes, I'm sure the finale would be great. Overall, you're style is pretty well rounded and the only thing I can really suggest to get better is to keep writing. [/ul]



The Bad:

[/b]: Your grammar can be improved, but it isn't something that really detracts from the story. That small things like missing full stops, having very long sentences that by all rights take advantage of commas, placing periods outside of quotation marks (when the sentence needs to be finished inside, "Like this." instead of outside if it isn't finishing a sentence.).



Con 2: This is just a little bit of a warning- not official or anything, but still something that can be taken into consideration. While the world of One Piece itself isn't out of bounds for swearing, proboards (the host for the forum we use), does mark that it should be limited. In the capacity that you've used it (scarcely and when your character was enraged by something), should be fine, just keep it in the back of your mind a little. (This is also in relation to what is considered a swear word or not, since different regions, countries and people have varying standards.)



The Awesome:

[/i][/ul][/ul][/spoiler]

Errors in Template:

N/A

Totals and Endzone!



---->Neji Hirako: 64 EXP;

Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}EXP at Time of Submission: 0

Base EXP Earned: 8 * 5 = 40

Bonus EXP Earned: 8 * 3 = 24

New EXP Total: 0 + 40 + 24 = 64

---->Jin Daniels: 64 EXP;

Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}EXP at Time of Submission: 0

Base EXP Earned: 8 * 5 = 40

Bonus EXP Earned: 8 * 3 = 24

New EXP Total: 0 + 40 + 24 = 64

Please update your profiles!

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[nejihirako]

Thank you for grading the thread, I will be sure to get better next time though