Mission #21: Putting up a show!(Incomplete Sub)

[Anirion]

Title/Link: Mission 21: Putting up a show!
Mission Number: Mission #21:

The villagers of Orange Town seem stressed out of late. They could really do with some reassurance that everything is going to be alright now that a pirate ship has been seen repeatedly just off the shore. They're worried that their might be a repeat of Buggy's reign of terror.

Total Number of Posts: 20
Plot Summary: Both of our heroes, Jack and Bruce meeting by unlikely circumstances, are the ones who have to help the town from a pirate invasion they do not know about yet, the town has a huge hatred for pirates which makes Jack's mission on Orange Town a lot harder. Jack, being the curious type decided to investigate why the town people were on edge and for having such a reaction to pirates, it turns out that a pirate ship was recently seen coming to shore and quickly leaving as soon as it arrived. Meanwhile Bruce was being busy with the ladies.

Jack hired the help of Bruce, honestly... he wanted a better option but in his circumstance, declaring himself as a pirate wasn't a good idea and he had no choice. Now with both these unlikely crime fighters, do they have the skill to fight back the Pirate Invasion? or will their terrible teamwork doom orange town?

Pirate Name/Link: Jack E. Raiiri
Number of Posts: 10
EXP: 65
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0


Name/Link: Bruce Loan
Number of Posts: 10
EXP: 0
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0

[cremuex]

Just gonna nab this thread, it should be done pretty quickly since it's fairly short!

I'll PM you both about what type of feedback you'd like.

~*Claimed*~ 

[cremuex]

Hello again, your thread is done. I hope you both have a great day. Dread, you're almost at level D! If you're unhappy with your grading you can always have it appealed and looked over by someone else, but for now I'm going to lock and move this thread.


-------->Individual Ratings!

Jack E. Raiiri (DreadFate) --3/5

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}The Good:

[/b]: You're great at tying in with what other characters in the environment are doing, namely using the misunderstanding between the locals and being a misunderstood as a pervert to carry the plot along. It's good that you both bounce off each other and you seem to be in control of the flow most of the time.

Pro 2: You're also pretty good at using NPC's and the environment to your advantage. Just some casual banter with the pirates trying to shoot you, I mean, they do this all the time right? (It was still pretty humorous.) At the beginning you described some of the scenes like when they entered the inn, but not so much when they're running for their lives and need to take a right turn to try and lose them. This is good because obviously they're not going to be taking in as much detail and helps with the pacing a little, but even little things like 'Jack ran as fast as he could, vision blurred by the building whizzing past before he spotted an alleyway ahead.' could give a little bit more flavour to your text.

Pro 3: It's a pretty good thread, it's just a shame it didn't get finished. I would have loved to see the townsfolk go after those pirates, that'd be a great victory for them, even if it was just because of their numbers.[/ul]

The Bad:

[/b]: Sentence lengths; By that I mean some of them seem like they could have easily been broken up into shorter sentences that didn't confuse the reader to your meaning. One example is your very first paragraph. That paragraph is basically just one very long sentence.

Con 2: Your grammar could use improving. Capital letters at the start of sentences, possibly not relying so heavily on ellipses (those three dots). Each character talking should begin a new paragraph. It's ok to have a line that's just one sentence long sometimes. LA left some good examples of breaking up paragraphs (like when he gets rejected), it just makes things look a lot cleaner.

Con 3: Your tense could be changed from present tense, to past tense. This would make your story easier to read and better reflect what's actually going on. Why use past tense instead of present when they're doing the thing at that time? As soon as you do something it's already happened, this sets it as an action that others can't undo in the story. He also can't be doing all those things at the same time because they come before or after something else. It might seem a bit pedantic but really it will help you out a lot. [/ul]

The Awesome:

[/b][/i] then Jack, despite what he said instantly rushes to the side following in the now moving ship.[/ul][/spoiler]



Bruce Loan (No more parties in LA) -- 4/5

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}The Good:

[/b]: I really love the way you write your character. Bruce has such a different opinion of himself than the more blunt narrator who can see to the truth of things. By that I mean that even though he keeps getting rejected he still deludes himself into thinking that he's a hot stud. This is more a kudos to your job with Bruce over all for character design.

Pro 2: Your little narrations really do make your posts more fun to read. I think it's a great way that you express your own personal style. The extra formatting things you do also lighten the mood a bit.

Pro 3: Overall, good thread, just a shame it didn't get finished.[/ul]

The Bad:

[/b]: "The day was bright and the island seemed to be feel of smiles." Be full of smile? Feel of smiles? It's just a minor mistake but something a quick read over would have caught. Small little auto-correct mistakes like "spinning on his hills and pumping his fist in the air," (where I'm guessing it's meant to say heels) do exist but they don't detract a huge amount. Just something to be aware of.

Con 2: Not much needs improving, I'm sure you guys would have had plenty of chutzpah if the story had continued and come to a climax. Hell, Bruce might even have gotten some attention (I doubt it though).


The Awesome:

[/b] -Goodness he's such a mess. I love it.
[/i][/ul][/ul][/spoiler]

Errors in Template:

N/A

Totals and Endzone!

---->Jack E. Raiiri: (105 EXP);
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}EXP at Time of Submission: 65
Base EXP Earned: (10) * (1 For doing a Mission) = (10)
Bonus EXP Earned: (10) * (3) = (30)
New EXP Total: (65) + (10) + (30) = (105 EXP)

---->Bruce Loan: (50 EXP);
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}EXP at Time of Submission: 0
Base EXP Earned: (10) * (1 For doing a Mission) = (10)
Bonus EXP Earned: (10) * (4) = (40)
New EXP Total: (0) + (10) + (40) = (50 EXP)

Please update your profiles!

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