I need to let this out... Apr 13, 2016 18:06:44 GMT -5
Post by Vio on Apr 13, 2016 18:06:44 GMT -5
So, yeah. I need this. Gonna just get started.
There's a load on my mind right now, both on and off site, and honestly the emotional weight of it all only really hit home when I clicked that "New Thread" button.
First of all, I've devoted a lot of my time and effort to BV. It's basically my second home. And I know some of you definitely appreciate my efforts in trying to make the site better. But right now, over the last few months, I've basically felt like I'm single-handedly carrying this whole site. You see that staff list thing at the side? You might as well scratch a lot of those names off. I know everyone contributes when they can, and that a handful are currently out of commission due to life being its usual self, but for the life of me it feels like I'm having to stress and strain to get anything done.
Big kudos to some of you out there - you stuck it through or stepped up to the plate when I needed you most - but the rest of you... Even the slightest contribution is well served. And there's some who've served only a small time (a few months) and showed me that you can do what I can. Unfortunately, few of those individuals have stuck it through. I'm not trying to be mean here, but, yeah...
On to the next thing that's bugging me. Again, life's an a-a-artichoke at the best of times. I've been there and done that. Now, I don't mind a slow paced thread - I'm more than happy waiting a few weeks for it to cycle back to me, especially when there's three or more of us in the rotation. But then there's these threads that stagnate because of one person. I get it, and I've apologised where due, sometimes I've been so swamped with stuff that I've forgotten it was my turn in a thread.
I've made a point of telling people to skip my turn if I don't post within a week. I also know that I tend to take a while to get back to those two-person runs, simply because I have so much else to do. But there's things I want to do, characters I want to write as, and I look at those threads and see it's been someone's turn for months? It's the worst feeling, and I'm sure many of you can relate.
This one goes back to my role as a staff member. I may not seem it, but I do have trust issues. Some of you might better know the side of my I used to let out in order to overcome them. I don't like that side of me. I don't like it dominating my social life. I try and try to keep a neutral stance on things, even when I have to enforce the rules, I do so equally and fairly. If two people fight on chat? I ban them both for an equal period - it takes two to tango.
When people turn away from me because they're unhappy with my judgment? That weighs heavily on me. I absolutely HATE conflict, to the point where I've started stepping into family issues and giving even my parents and siblings a piece of my mind. And even though I do that, it hurts so much to have to do it; to have to look at people I love and respect and see that they're capable of being idiots. I don't like seeing it here, either.
I don't like passive-aggressive snark. I don't like people being unnecessarily rude and insensitive. But what I've been striving to do is remain neutral, fair, and listen to people's concerns. If people don't ever come forward to me about their issues, I can't do jack about it. I can't BE fair if I'm only ever seeing one side of the story. Don't any of you EVER think I take sides. You're all my friends. Not being able to hear your concerns is disheartening, painful, and honestly makes me feel like my trust is wasted. I don't want to feel like that. Ever. If you want me to trust you, then you have to trust me.
So, yeah. I have problems with people. People I'd much prefer not to have problems with. I'm not naming names - you lot are big enough and ugly enough (as my mum would say) to know who you are. I might seem like I'm full of empty promises in certain cases, but the fact of the matter is that I can't do anything if I don't SEE it. To see it, I need to see it from both sides. If you don't let me do that, I cannot help you.
Sorry I have to say this. I don't want to have to, to be honest. I very nearly stopped and let it sit. But if I say nothing? Nothing happens. Thanks for reading this. Thanks for understanding. Hopefully, thanks for taking these words to heart. This rant is over. I don't want any responses. I don't want any likes. I just want people to know what I don't usually say.GOMENASAI