Blackwatch: First Assignment, First Failure (Submission)

[Lord Bromosalino]

Plot Title/Link: Blackwatch: First Assignment, First Failure
Marine Mission Rank/Number: N/A
Mission Number: N/A
Total Number of Posts: 25
Plot Summary:

SPOILER: Click to show

Following Isaac's mini-coma, the 15th Marine Division, also known as the 'Blackwatch', is sent to Ice Nine to investigate rumors of a revolutionary/terrorist hiding out on the island. Picking up an engineer of sorts and a medic from the local Marine base, Isaac (along with his Lieutenant, canine companion, and 4 other Marine men *all NPCS*) leads this small scouting group past the town of Ice Nine and out into the wilderness. After a few hours of walking, the group stumbles upon their first tell that they are on the right path; gunpowder. Unsure of it's purpose, the group continues until they are face to face with a mountain and a cavern of sorts that has been built into the mountain.

As they stalk the entrance, men and women begin to pour out of the cavern, loading large crates into three separate wagons. As the group watches on, Isaac suspects the worse and orders the group to split in three's and board those wagons and stop whatever the revolutionaries have in store. As the wagons head off into town, Isaac stays behind to confront Angelina Belmonte inside the cavern. As each of the Marine groups struggle with their respective opponents, they do eventually come out somewhat victorious, though at a grave cost. Two bombs go off in Ice Nine, one of the Marine groups is killed in the ensuing blast, and Belmonte gets away (albeit injured).

As the 15th Division regroups, Inspector Cameron asks for 'Blackwatch' to meet him in Loguetown to discuss their failure, though Captain Saifer has other plans.

*Disclaimer*

Peacock was a part of our group until he got banned from the site. To avoid any awkward breaks, I continued to rp as his character, Nana, to keep the continuity going to the end. As for the other NPC's, they're of my creation (though Vio rp'd with her NPC partners).

Marine Division: 'Blackwatch', 15th Marine Division
Marine Name/Link: Isaac Saifer
Marine Rank: Captain
Number of Posts: 11
EXP: 576/1500
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 50%

Marine Division: 'Blackwatch', 15th Marine Division
Marine Name/Link: Verdelet Greene
Marine Rank: Seaman Recruit
Number of Posts: 10
EXP: 0/150
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 50%

[White Mimic]

I'm assigning this thread to Flame.

If the grader is unavailable for the grading, it will be reassigned.

Flame here, about 50% done reading :]

[Flame]

Sorry for taking this long, I should preface this by saying I was a little lazy with typing up this response and if you want more information or more specific things about what faults I might have seen you can pm me, though I think it is largely unnecessary. I'm also combining you two's pros and cons list because honestly I didn't have much to complain about at all.

Also note Isaac's exp was 608 not 576.

-------->Comments and Concerns

SPOILER: Click to show

Overall I want to say I thought both of you wrote very well. As I was taking notes on the writing there was very little I had to fault the pair of you on.

If anything the few faults I did find were I feel quite nitpicky of me when I look back on them. They include things like issues with wording, I generally insist people reread their writing when I find this. I'm not particularly sure if wording was actually an issue in this case, but more that I'm used to a certain style of writing and I judge phrases and such by that. The wordings weren't blatantly bad just seemed a little odd at times. Apart from that I thought there were a few detailed things that happened which seemed odd to me but they were so miniscule they are not worth mentioning. (ie. there was a time when I was confused how Isaac got snow on his watch, yeah thats right snow on his watch O.O CRAZY RIGHT!?!?!).

In terms of the pros of yall's writing I found in general almost no spelling and grammar. Overall the quality of it was quite good it was well done in that it painted a picture more than it tried to tell me what happened. It was a good bit descriptive which is always good, though sometimes it felt a little long(perhaps my laziness as a reader kicking in).

Particularly I enjoyed the use of NPCs in this. I thought the NPCs in general seemed very well made and not as one-dimensional as many NPCs can tend to be. Their use was well executed it seemed to me on the part of both of you. I thought they fit well into the writing without overwhelming and dominating the posts.

I also liked the interesting take with the plot. I thought it was nice to see a failure rather than a success. To see more bad than good come out of a thread, it feels to me that such an ending is rather rare. And I appreciate the effort to do that rather than stick to the generally successful endings that are more common.

Good job, and I hope to read you all's writing again some time in the future. Sorry for the laziness in this response. Please pm me if you want a more detailed overview from me.

-------->Individual Ratings!

Isaac Saifer -- 5/5

Verdelet Greene -- 5/5

Errors in Template:

N/A

Totals and Endzone!

---->Isaac Saifer: 690/1500 and 28 Poinz
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}EXP at Time of Submission: 608
Base EXP Earned: 11 * (5 For doing a Story Mission) = 55
Bonus EXP Earned: 11 * (5) = 5
New EXP Total: 608 + 55 + 55 * 0.50 = 690 EXP and 28 Poinz

---->Verdelet Greene: 75/150 and 25 Poinz
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}EXP at Time of Submission: 0
Base EXP Earned: 10 * (5 for doing a Story) = 50
Bonus EXP Earned: 10 * 5 = 50
New EXP Total: 0 + 50 + 50 * 0.5 = 75 EXP and 25 Poinz

Please update your profiles!

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