Monkey Business [Sub]

[Shinku]

Plot Title/Link:Monkey Business: Bounty Hunters Guild
Total Number of Posts:106
Plot Summary:

SPOILER: Click to show

{HERE}The Pikt Archipelago is home to many different people and animals and it is as well the stage of an unfolding adventure, though some might find that word too generous for the happenings of one long day.
There are three men who happens to be the protagonists of this story.
One is trying to erase his debt by running away from it, or since that didn't work out, by actually doing some work as a compensation.
The second one has come to the island to meet his friend.
And the third, said friend has gone to collect his newly completed ship.
They all meet up in the city, where Kyou and Otto are looking for food, while Erwyn is looking for a way to escape the marine woman on his heels.
Things get turbulent and in the end, the catch the eye of a man with a fake smile. They get a job offer and after much debate they decide to accept it. After all... all they have to do is escort a prisoner to a predetermined point of transfer. The criminal had been already caught and tied up by others and they just needed to make sure he arrived in time for some marines to take him over, so what could possibly go wrong?
So Otto heads to get the ship, while Erwyn and Kyou take the way overland.
The two landgoers soon run into trouble, as well as a half-starved bird in colorful clothes. Toucans aren't native to the Pikt and they soon find out that, yes, the man is indeed not from around there.
Without giving them much of a chance to say no, Gale joins the team and they finally arrive to take over the captive, who turns out a lot more docile than Kyou had dared to hope.
Little did they know that Trouble was just starting to knuckle down to work.

Bounty Hunter Name/Link: Kyoukichi
Bounty Being Collected: -
Number of Posts:34
EXP: 858/1500 Exp
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0%


Pirate Crew: n/a
Pirate Name/Link: Erwyn Palmer
Current Bounty: -
Number of Posts:33
EXP: 142/500 (Earned D before Exp change)
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0%

[Vio]

^{I'll be snapping this one up! With luck, expect your grading by the end of the month!}

[Vio]

It's a shame that your partners vanished towards the end, but nonetheless it's an excellent example of a thread! There's times where I think it dragged a little, and times where I think it was moving a little too quickly, but for the most part this is a masterpiece. So, without further ado, I bestow unto you your grades:

Shinku as Kyoukichi!

[/i][/b]
Your constant portrayal of Kyou's mannerisms and inner thoughts was welcoming, and gave insight as to his actions and understandings of the world around him. Everything from cursing his own lack of foresight and idiocy to mentally calling out people on their decisions and mishaps - a brilliant read with nothing lacking.

The one thing I would like to point out is something I think you've already corrected (as was made clear later in the thread). Early on, there was some general misplacement of commas that cut up sentences in odd ways, and while it didn't take away from your work, it did stand out to me. Had this been a prevalent issue, I would've knocking you to a 4, but it quickly became apparent that you were well on your way to fixing these minor mistakes long before the meat of the plot came to be! Congratulations on a job well done!

“BY GARP’S DIRTY UNDERPANTS! WHY ME?!” - Kyou


858 + 340 (34 x 10) = 1,198 Experience!

You're now eligible for Raw Haki![/font][/sub][/ul]
Surua as Erwyn Palmer!

[/i][/b]
Erwyn's certainly a fun character to read in action, and to be honest I think you do a top quality job of keeping his character fresh, even in the most prolonged of situations. Between cheesy wisecracks and hard luck, there's no denying that Palmer's got an interesting air about him, especially in the handful of comedic cuts you pulled.

Where to improve? Honestly, I think most of your apparent writing flaws aren't worth mentioning, because they come and go throughout the thread. While you'll likely hit a point where you can find your balance in the near future, I think forcing yourself to improve is going to be counter-intuitive to your writing style with Erwyn. The one thing that bothered me (and subsequently kept you just shy of that 5) was synonyms. I think in the whole thread, you only ever used a name other than "Erwyn" a handful of times. There were drawn out periods in some of your posts where you never once used a direct means of referring to your character outside of "he", which in some cases caused a bit of confusion as to what was going on. Nothing major, but this is where I'd say you need to improve if you want to add that extra spice to your writing!

"Um, excuse me. I know how to use a cannon, I happen to be an expert on the subject of use a cannon." - Erwyn (who had absolutely no idea how to use a cannon)


142 + 297 (33 x 9) = 439 Experience!

One more thread of this quality and C will be yours![/font][/sub][/ul]

Please update your profiles![/font][/sup][/div][/blockquote]