Pirates and Business Pt. 2: Look Out, WG! [Submission]

[Roin]

Plot Title/Link: Pirates and Business Pt. 2: Look Out, WG!
Total Number of Posts: 43

SPOILER: Click to show

{Plot Summary (Click this)} Following up on the events of Part 1, the Sea-Flowers and their temporary alliance with Winchester's Pirates goes forth with an all-out assault on the town. With the pirates attacking first and with brutal numbers and firepower from the land to draw the majority of Marines away, Ahn makes a call that brings many Revolutionary cells from the West Blue into the area. Joining the Sea-Flowers among them is the Revolutionary Natalie, the very same woman who had worked with Ayano before. She'd come back both to assist the group and to investigate the man known as Timberwolf, a supposed traitor. Joined by the short man Mikel, Hades, and Ayano, Ahn outlines the plan of attack with the goal being for the Revolutionaries to assault port-side fortress of the Marines, intending to take-out their Captain and to capture any munitions that they might use to take back the island.

As the assault begins to unfold, Ahn drives the Sea-Flowers toward the fortress, cutting away at the fortress' wall just enough for the Huangyuhua to beach itself in the Marine's base. Stunned, the Marines are forced into a brawl with the Sea-Flowers as they split up and fight. Natalie's forces and the others slowly bleed in as the woman takes off after a cloaked man. Ahn, in the meanwhile, orders Ayano to lead the troops and act as a shield so he can save his weapon's edge for a fight with the Captain. Hades and Mikel split off with the orders to take the armory, though Hades vanishes from the battle as the duo begin to succeed. Ahn and Ayano, however, encounter trouble as a large man threatens the troops to the point Ahn steps forward to face him. The two clash briefly before Ahn lets down his guard just long enough for the bowling-ball behemoth to land a strike on him that hinders him. Cursing and faced with death for the briefest of moments, the man is saved as a stray cannonball strikes the man, fired to signal that the Pirates were still faring well. Bolstered by his state, Ahn begins pushing harder as the Revolutionaries fight to control the courtyard and get the captain to come out and face them.

The fight carries on as Ahn destroys the massive doors leading into the inner garrison of the fortress, the fighting spilling indoors and matching the intensity outdoors. With Ayano and Mikel handling affairs outside, the man charges up and in search of the Captain while Natalie finally corners her quarry elsewhere along the top of the fortress. Timberwolf, as he's revealed to be, speaks about how he isn't any sort of traitor, hinting at there being something going on within the Marines as he had been set free after nearly being executed during interrogation. Before she can extract more, she gets separated from the man. The Revolutionaries seem to be shifting their focus to the battle just in time for them to bear witness to Ahn destroying the upper half of Fort Stanley's inner sanctum in an attempt to draw out the Captain. At last, as the battle seems to be shifting in their favor, the woman and her lieutenant reveal themselves. The Lieutenant moves to engage Ayano and the ground troops for the gnarly action, while the Captain by the name of Miracle Day finally shows herself and engages Ahn with Rokushiki.

The two clash briefly atop the ruined fortress, Ahn delivering a powerful blow that would have defeated most foes. However, due in part to both her strength and the fact Da-hengan had lost its edge from fighting and using the sword along the way, the blow was far from lethal as Ahn fell and tumbled back to earth. Saved by the fat fellow from before, Natalie arrives at his side as Captain Day pulls herself from the ruin, ready to fight more. With Ayano and Mikel doing their best to hold off the others and the Lieutenant, Ahn and Natalie agree that she'd be best holding off the woman while Ahn prepared Da-Hengan's edge for one last cut. The dancing woman agrees as Captain Day dashes at her and the two engage in many wind-inducing clashes. Ahn watches as he prepares the blade, bearing witness to Ayano's iron-will and persistence holding the Lieutenant off while Mikel covered her.

The battle begins to wind up for the Revolutionaries as the Pirates begin their all-out attack to finish off the Marines on their front, Ayano steadily gaining the mental advantage over her opponent. And as Captain Day is put into a stalemate by Natalie engaging her own special technique, emitting great heat, Ahn finally prepares the edge of his sword. Day commits to an all-in attack, lunging forward to defeat Natalie, but with her attention solely on the woman, Ahn uses his speed with blatant disregard for Natalie's abilities. Felling Day with a powerful slash that left his blade damaged, Ahn's body catches fire from Natalie's power, the trio all falling to the ground in different parts of the battlefield. Revolutionaries and Marines begin to rush to their aid, just as Ayano at last bests her opponent within a mere moment, the sight finally breaking the morale of the Marines as Mikel guns down the last of them willing to fight. Fort Stanley was at last toppled, the Sea-Flowers leader having suffered great burns while the rest of their forces came out relatively okay. But celebrations don't last long, as Ahn is informed by one of the troops that the Pirates had won... something the man hadn't planned on which still left the fate of Winchester up in the air. The Marines were beat and would be driven away from the island... but now they had to negotiate and work out some sort of deal with the Pirates... without the safety of numbers.

Revolutionary Crew: Sea-Flowers
Revolutionary Name/Link: Miyahara Ahn
Current Bounty: N/A
Number of Posts: 13
EXP: 540/1500
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0%

Revolutionary Crew: Sea-Flowers
Revolutionary Name/Link: Kōketsu no Ayano
Current Bounty: N/A
Number of Posts: 13
EXP: 36/150
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0%

Revolutionary Crew: N/A
Revolutionary Name/Link: Natalie l'Estrange
Current Bounty: N/A
Number of Posts: 13
EXP: 500/1500
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 100%

Revolutionary Crew: Sea-Flowers
Revolutionary Name/Link: Mikel V Castro
Current Bounty: N/A
Number of Posts: 11
EXP: 84/150
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0%

Revolutionary Crew: Sea-Flowers
Revolutionary Name/Link: Hades Orion
Current Bounty: N/A
Number of Posts: 6
EXP: 134/500
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0%

[odango]

I, as the new and awesome grader, shall take this thread! You will do well to test out my skills *cracks fingers*

The grades will be up within a week. :3

[EriChar]

Your wait has been a long one, but it is nearly at an end!

Overall Opinion of the Thread

Done with a Don!

Very nicely worked. I initially found it a little jarring to be thrown straight into the action after only a few posts of build up, but that was likely to be expected given this was a multi-part thread!
I found that the battles overall were very well done, especially considering that there seemed to be some criss-cross and team play going on; everyone had the opportunity to shine and regardless of the differences in character level, I think everyone had an equal part in making the 'mission' a success.
I loved the fact that Mikel was featured as a bit of a bit part in the beginning, but through his actions seemed to earn the respect of the sternest squad member in Ayano!
As a final note, I feel the biggest detracting factor, if there was one, was the loss of Hades Orion? I felt like this could have been handled better as it felt like he was forgotten entirely in the flow of the narrative? Moreover, I would have been curious to see how his continued presence might have affected the branching plot lines!


Individual Ratings

Miyahara Ahn (Roin) - 5/5

SPOILER: Click to show

On top of a strong performance, I wanna highlight the creative and amusing way your portrayed your NPC's here! They definitely seemed like a quirky miniboss squad as we would expect from One Piece, so this helped to make it feel very much like an 'Oda Production'!
The description of your characters moves and effects were a joy to read; I think you've had a lot of experience in writing combat before and it really shows, because each and every time you wanted to make an impact in a fight it was done in both a beautiful and effective fashion.
While only using one character, I feel it is worthwhile noting that you did a rather impressive job of leading the thread, not least because of the time and effort you put into putting the 'Pirate Perspective' into the thread. Some might have simply made this more of an informed than shown fact, so I think it only adds to the strength of your writing that you fleshed out what could have been minor or even unseen characters into something more substantial.
As a final minor note, there were a few times where it seemed like silly mistakes were made? Quotations put in the wrong font colour or sentences that could have been improved with a quick read through did not really detract from the tale, but are something to look at to improve upon! Other than that, it was a great job!

Kōketsu no Ayano/Natalie l'Estrange (Vio) - 5/5

SPOILER: Click to show

It might have become something of an expectation for Vio's writing to get a high score, but I think in this example, it was the near perfect contrast between the two characters that you controlled that served as the strongest point in your writing. The funny part is, initially, I thought it was actually going to be your undoing!
The opening post seeming a little bit awkward as you attempted to control both Ayano and Nat from the same 'point of view', the balance of focus did not seem to quite work out evenly initially as it felt like when I read it, Miss l'Estrange was more NPC than character?

However, I have to guess that you quickly spotted this issue because it was speedily rectified, and after that each 'half' of your posting seemed to compliment the other! It was intriguing to watch the way that stern and commanding Ayano seemed like such a different person to the warm and outgoing Natalie, and it is this factor that allowed them to both stand apart and work together for success!
Yet even divided I feel it was a very strong showing for your writing as you demonstrated the depth beneath the surface of both characters, as Ayano's untouchable pride and visage was worn down by her confrontation and a defining moment when the woman who stands at the front of her troops seemed so earnest in her appreciation for Mikel's support!
Likewise, with Natalie naturally being more attuned to company and lighter moments, it was nice to see her pushed into more strained situations like the confrontation with 'Warren', showing a side to her that many may not see. While they look very different, it felt like both girls wore a bit of a 'mask' in their life, be it commander or entertainer, and it was good to see glimpses of the character beneath the facades.

Mikel V Castro (Pumpkin) - 4/5

SPOILER: Click to show

Some nice work with this indeed! I loved the way you demonstrated the character of the little guy, and his napoleon complex especially! Taking a different approach to your writing than the rest of the team, I found the casual and more conversational manner in which you wrote to be something of a nice 'change of pace'? With more serious characters and situations unfolding, the thread could have gained a heavy sense of tension if not for Mikel and you offering a lighter note for things!

I think one of the highlights of the thread was the changing dynamic between Mikel and the group, and in particular how his relationship moved with Ayano? At the start of the thread it seemed as if Mikel was treated like little more than a grunt soldier by the group, but one could tell thanks to his timely intervention that he had definitely made his mark on the Strong and Stern warrior by the end. Whilst he still might not get nicknames he would prefer, it seemed to me like Mikel definitely proved his worth to the group, and hopefully this will be reflected in future interactions?

On the negative side, there were a couple of notes that detracted just a little from your performance. The first quite simple and forgotten once RK dropped out, for a while it was rather confusing for the reader when Mikel and Hades are using a similar font colour, which would have not doubt been amplified had their scene together had continued! Not a huge issue and easy to fix, perhaps in future it might be better to coordinate on these things?

The second detractor being a simple case of lacking use of synonyms, I often find that good writing can quickly be made great by simply reducing the repetition in the thread? You seemed overly reliant on calling Mikel by his name over and over, and it wore heavily on the reader? I used to also suffer from this problem, and what I did to try and counter it was allow myself to only use a characters name once per paragraph? By doing that, I found it can really add a sense of flair to the writing by getting a bit creative with nouns?

Hades Orion (RK) - 3/5

SPOILER: Click to show

The biggest reason your score is so much lower than the rest is because well... You vanished! had the thread been completed, your score would have been so much better. Try not to duck out of threads so much, and if you do, maybe at least 'cover' your exit? It was pretty awkward just having Hades appear and then NO MORE ORION BOOOOIIIII!

Honestly, I thought your RP on the whole was very good! Hades is clearly a character you have a good grasp on, and I liked the way his heroic goofball nature seemed such a contrast to the more serious styling of Ahn and Ayano? Definitely as big an asset as the rest of the group in terms of performance, I think Hades comes into his own with his quirkiness and voices in his head. Honestly, with him and Tartaros I was reminded of the back and forth between Tony Stark and JARVIS from Iron Man? It was really well done and amusing to see a man who was never alone as long as he had his schizophrenia!

There are a couple of things to add to your writing that I think are easy fixes to make it great. The first an easy one; you seemed to start a lot of your quote/speech moments with your characters part way through the lines of a paragraph? This looks really awkward, especially when you have one word and then a new line, so I would recommend starting any 'speaking moment' with a new line?

The second thing something you have in common with Mr Pumpkin, it got very repetitive seeing Hades' name so often? Taking things to a higher level than your partner, it seemed like you had a habit of starting many, many sentences with "Hades [blahblahblah]"? While it seemed to ease a little as things went in, the early posts were rife with this and it's definitely something big to fix?

Squaring Up

Miyahara Ahn: 540(Starter) + 65(Base) + 65(Bonus) = 670 Exp!

Kouketsu no Ayano: 36(Starter) + 65(Base) + 65(Bonus) = 166 Exp!
**CONGRATS ON REACHING D CLASS!**

Natalie l'Estrange: 500(Starter) + 65(Base) = 565 Exp!
**65 POINZ ADDED TO VIO'S ACCOUNT**

Mikel V Castro: 84(Starter) + 55(Base) + 44(Bonus) = 183 Exp!
**CONGRATS ON REACHING D CLASS!**

Hades Orion: 134(Starter) + 30(Base) + 18(Bonus) = 182 Exp!

---

Now, got get them rewards and bounties and jazz!

---