Seaside Rendezvous [Queen Pirates 4] (Submission)

[Blaka]

Plot Title/Link: Seaside Rendezvous
Marine Mission Rank/Number: -
Mission Number: -
Total Number of Posts: 26
Plot Summary: After their narrow escape from Aityaia Island, the Queen Pirates had had some rest. Esspecially their Captain had been badly wounded and they were barely able to treat her wounds as none of them were doctors. Thankfully, one day, a strange mermaid doctor who called herself Nadikia Kind crashed onto the deck of the ship. With the help of this Kia's painkillers, Melosa was able to at least move again. Shortly afterwards, the daily newspapers arrived, with them a bounty letter of the pirate princess herself. In the middle of their cheering, the ship's Klabautermann used a prank to get them to notice a stowaway. Bendan Koga-Ryu had been hidden away in the crow's nest the entire time. On top of that chaos, the Klabautermann chose this moment to show itself. Having enough of all of this, Melosa herself decided to have a drink first before dealing with any of the problems. A drinking game that soon escalated, when the beehive woman suddenly had more alcohol in her body than ever before and started acting accordingly weird. Meanwhile, La Colmena was preparing the ultimate prank for them which soon ended in everyone's defeat, safe for the shipwright. However, they were able to clear everything up the next morning and carry on with their journey as a crew together.

Pirate Crew: Queen Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: Queen B. Melosa
Current Bounty: 25.000.000
Number of Posts: 9
EXP: 421/500
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0%

Pirate Crew: Queen Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: Louisa McLeod
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 8
EXP: 177/500
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0%

Pirate Crew: Queen Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: La Colmena (no update yet)
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 8
EXP: 72/100
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0%

Pirate Crew: Queen Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: Nikolay Dubov
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 1
EXP: 0/100
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0 obviously due to not having enough posts for bonus

[Deleted]

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[Deleted]

-------->Individual Ratings!

Melosa (Blabbers) -- 4/5

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}{Spoiler}The Good:

[/b]: The plot itself was interesting and unique for a travel thread. I rarely thought the flow of the overarching story ever felt rushed or dragged on for too long and really enjoyed how well each character was played out in just two separate scenes. As someone who never knew of these OC's beforehand, I can say that's a high mark to achieve.

Nice Use of NPC's: I'm a sucker for enjoyable NPC's and this thread hit the mark in all the right places. At one point I forgot Nadia was even an NPC just because of how well she fit in as a whole crewmate and not just as a background character. Her presence felt neither sloppily executed or so forced that I felt she was unnecessary to push as a plot point. All around, your use of NPC's was gr8 and I'd r8 that an 8/8.

Spirited Dialogue: As a fan of Tarantino, I love dialogue. I like talking. I like people who can create engaging and entertaining speeches out of nowhere or chat about stuff that is perceived as ordinary but in reality highly fun to read about. Melosa is so energetic and when she gets drunk, the pirate princess turns even more crazy.[/ul]
The Bad:

[/b]: By now you should know just how high I place description as a grading category and how heavily it can affect your score when it's not present enough in a thread. With that being said, I will admit for a traveling thread where anyone would most likely be confined to a single ship to the whole thread you were limited by what you could actually describe. But just the things you listed throughout could have gotten a bit more love in detail and you could have written them into an actual setting rather than have them become mere hints of a backdrop. However, seeing as how you were stuck in a room for the majority of the thread, I didn't let it hurt the score too much this time.

Spelling, Grammar, Etc.: Just your usual basic mistakes. Some stuff was misspelled, some stuff didn't make sense grammatically and some stuff was worded wrong, e.g. "a fishing hook took pierced the bounty letter..."

[/ul]
The Awesome:

[/i][/ul][/spoiler]


Louisa (Vi Pie) -- 5/5

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}{Spoiler}The Good:

[/b]: The plot itself was interesting and unique for a travel thread. I rarely thought the flow of the overarching story ever felt rushed or dragged on for too long and really enjoyed how well each character was played out in just two separate scenes. As someone who never knew of these OC's beforehand, I can say that's a high mark to achieve.

Nice Use of NPC's: Just like Blab, you done good on playing out Shin well with the only problem being that well...He wasn't actually an NPC to begin with? After a little digging around I found Shingetsu was originally someone's OC meant for Queens so I guess the points for having him feel like an actual OC didn't' resonate well for you as it did with Blab and Kia. That still doesn't mean you did a bad job, I was just underwhelmed to learn he actually was a fully fleshed out person that the Queens ended up adopting in contrast to Kia who was a really well performed NPC.

Overall Enjoyment: Your writing has a spirit and energy that makes reading each post all the more exciting (probably because you're playing a wild Scottish lady). The technical aspects were spot on with only a few sprinkles of simple errors. You've kept a colorful vocabulary constant throughout the thread, which I'd expect from our great British Goddess, as well as a nice variety of sentence structures that made reading each sentence an individual experience.. [/ul]

The Bad:

[/b]: I'm a jerk when it comes to description. It may have been Moshi's teachings but I just have the most critical view of threads when there isn't enough of a setting to imagine. The time, place, props and all that jazz builds your world regardless of its size and even for a tiny ship, I can still see you guys being able to paint a picture. 

Translate th' darn hin': Shakespeare plays have translations! Why can't you translate your Scottish palaver? Ya butt. But in all seriousness, I actually loved the dialogue and had to slip into an accent to speak it but I personally think some words needed a translation for those who might not know how to understand.
[/ul]

The Awesome:

[/i][/ul][/spoiler]


La Colmena (Shanksu) -- 3/5

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}{Spoiler}The Good:

[/b]: The good thing about being a spirit moving all around the ship is that you can be in several places and interact with a multitude of environment. Everyone else in the first half of the thread were essentially just talking and even in the second half were stuck in a conversation without much regard to the setting. You managed to describe some props and the areas of the ship that I feel were needed what with the lack of visual imagery there was in the thread. However, while you did do some, I still felt there needed to be more. You did scratch the surface by giving the base appearance of things but didn't go further by giving a deeper description.

Animated Dialogue ©: My trademarked, copyrighted Grading Category. If you don't know what it means, it basically stands for motion present in speech. People normally don't just talk and do nothing else but are dynamic in nature. They'll either make subtle hand gestures or move all around the place. Itty is quite the quirky character and it was quite nice to see she succeeded here.

Playing the Part: I was deeply surprised that you chose to RP a Klabautermann as that's not a species I'd consider most people to go crazy for. Not to mention they're not that well known and from a little searching around I saw they don't have an extensive amount of material to work from to base an entire personality off of. I liked the various mannerisms and quirks Laco had and you made it all the more convincing this was the spirit of a ship who had been hiding from its crew mates and not some super extroverted being. You didn't break away from the character's personality at all and commend you again on RPing a One Piece race I'd see as difficult to pull off.[/ul]
The Bad:

[/b]: Just some simple mistakes that can be corrected through autocorrect. Nothing too severe.

Internal Dialogue: While you did narrate what La Colmena's motives and thoughts are, it doesn't feel impactful to read a omniscient summary of events a character goes through. It reads a lot better, at least for myself, to see the actual depth of thought a character might go through in their process of actions rather than reading "she did this, then she did that because of this reason." It's just a tip I've picked up from Moshi that not only creates a new dynamic to the writing itself but reveals a lot of how your character actually thinks and reacts to situations.

Eh?: While I like that you played the part of a Kabautermann, I felt it got a bit too repetitive and honestly became too detached from the overarching storyline. The thread is less than 30 posts with 3 people, but 6 characters involved and having someone go off and do something completely unrelated from the main plot just irked me. While it eventually tied into the events at large, I still couldn't ignore how I felt everytime I wished to read more about Melosa, Kia, Shin and Louisa then suddenly be met with Colmena fidgeting with a fishing pole. >_>[/ul]

The Awesome:

[/i][/ul][/spoiler]



Errors in Template:

N/A

Totals and Endzone!

---->Blabbers: (502/1500);
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}{Spoiler}EXP at Time of Submission: (421/500)
Base EXP Earned: (9) * (5 For doing a Story Mission) = (45)
Bonus EXP Earned: (9) * (4) = (36)
New EXP Total: (421/500) + (45) + (36) = (502/1500)

WELCOME TO C CLASS!

---->Vi Pie: (257/500);
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}{Spoiler}EXP at Time of Submission: (177/500)
Base EXP Earned: (8) * (5 For doing a Story Mission) = (40)
Bonus EXP Earned: (8) * (5) = (40)
New EXP Total: (177/500) + (40) + (40) = (257/500)

---->Shanksu: (136/150);
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}{Spoiler}EXP at Time of Submission: (72/150)
Base EXP Earned: (8) * (5 For doing a Story Mission) = (40)
Bonus EXP Earned: (8) * (3) = (24)
New EXP Total: (72/150) + (40) + (24) = (136/150)

---->Flamey: (5/150);
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}{Spoiler}EXP at Time of Submission: (0)
Base EXP Earned: (1) * (5 For doing a Story Mission) = (5)
Bonus EXP Earned: (1) * (0) = (0)
New EXP Total: (0) + (5) + (Bonus EXP) = (5/150)

Please update your profiles![/font]