Dreams At Dusk [Submission]

[Blaka]

Plot Title/Link: Dreams At Dusk
Marine Mission Rank/Number: -
Mission Number: -
Total Number of Posts: 16
Plot Summary:
After their departure from Sedna Island, the three new members of the Dusk Pirates needed to establish themselves as the crew's strongest. To make her position as the absolute leader clear, Amy used a trick: Mixing sedatives into the dinner and using her fairy fruit's abilities, she paralyzed her entire crew in their sleep and then came in to scare them into submission. In the course of her act, she even killed a crewmember. Her threats to Cheteria, who had been arriving on the Gehena together with her and Vivo Segno, were esspecially effective. From trying to figure out how to kill her, Cheteria turned into the most loyal of Amelia's followrs over night, as she couldn't even allow herself to think about mutiny. The next day, a couple of things happened with each crewmember going about their own business: Vivo spent most of it training his new Fighting Style and exchanged letters with everyone to get to know each other better. , Kulira asked her Captain for a favor - she wanted new abilities built into her body, which was granted to her. Amelia built Chete's new weapons and appointed Vivo First Mate. In the evening, the crew hosted a small sparring, during which Kulira showed off her new weapons and got the respect of her crewmembers back. Their next destination is the famed Frost Kindgom.


Pirate Crew: Dusk Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: Amelia LeSorange Delacreux
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 6
EXP: 262/500
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0%

Pirate Crew: Dusk Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: Vivo Segno
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 4
EXP: 172/500
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 100%

Pirate Crew: Dusk Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: Kulira Cheteria Akuvutika
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 6
EXP: 159/500
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 100%

[White Mimic]

Calling this. I'll get this back right quick. Hopefully. Probably. Maybe.

[Deleted]

-------->Individual Ratings!

Amy (Lynx) -- 4/5

SPOILER: Click to show

The Good:

[/b]: Wow, for the longest time I always thought Amy was some nice, lovable fairy girl. Boy was I wrong! I absolutely loved how stylishly sinister she acted with the amount of calmness and control there was in her words. Every thing about her movements felt so calculated and I just couldn't help falling in love with her. Even ended up throwing a little fit after I finished her post because I wanted to read so much more.

Description: Though it wasn't as widespread as I normally would want, there was enough detail in between blocks of text that I felt satisfied. You took subtle things into consideration and even briefly mentioned something like starving and equated the ache to tremors, an appropriate metaphor if I do say so myself. Some of it even translated into my patented Grader Pro: Animated Dialogue. It just means you followed up dialogue with action or vice versa. It just creates more depth to what a character does and I enjoy seeing it play out here.

Oh Captain, my Captain: In short, you are the CAPTAIN. You took lead in this thread and really commanded well at how things should go. Though you shouldn't boss the players around with your godmoddi- I'm just kiddin~ But anyways, you performed fabulously and not a stutter in your step when guiding everyone through the story.[/ul]

The Bad:

[/b]: You would occasionally misspell something really easy that I initially thought were mistakes but persisted through the thread. However, they were nothing serious and didn't divert from the objective of your posts. Additionally, some words needed an apostrophe or didn't. Some words didn't need to be capitalized some did. Just look out for simple errors, m'kay?~

Pacing: While I enjoyed the thread, it felt much too fast for me. There was no real suspense at all as each action or reaction was followed up post after post. I didn't feel much emotion reading through other than that lovely bit with the murder of your crew mate (As morbid as that sounds...). Overall, I think it fit very nicely as it felt fast paced almost like the accelerating heart beat of someone in panic. I just felt that it could've used some pauses to really let the depth of the situation sink in.

[/ul]
The Awesome:

[/i][/ul][/spoiler]

Kulira (Blab) -- 3/5

SPOILER: Click to show

The Good:

[/b]: Great to see what goes on in a person's head that directs their actions. You wouldn't want someone doing stuff and wondering "Why?" every single time. As someone who has not read your previous adventures, I can't tell why Kulira does what she does but it's made abundantly clear in your posts. Congrats~

Immersive Interactions: The character is not someone I'm familiar with but I'm interested just by her thought processes and actions and am hooked on what she does. You and Lynx both got me to love your characters within the span of a few posts without me ever knowing anything about them.
[/ul]

The Bad:

[/b]: Normally I don't see many issues in your English, Blabbers. So it confused me all the more when I saw sentences that didn't register in my head as proper writing? From improper punctuation or silly grammar/spelling, there were just some small marks across your posts that were enough for me to deem it a con. 

Pacing: While I enjoyed the thread, it felt much too fast for me. There was no real suspense at all as each action or reaction was followed up post after post. I didn't feel much emotion reading through other than that lovely bit with the murder of your crew mate (As morbid as that sounds...). Overall, I think it fit very nicely as it felt fast paced almost like the accelerating heart beat of someone in panic. I just felt that it could've used some pauses to really let the depth of the situation sink in.

Post Length: I haven't stamped this on a grade in a long time...Blabbers c'mon! No need to post so little when you got so much to share! You could delve into environmental description, animated dialogue, maybe a little more chit chat? I just felt too much of your posts were narration and lacked that spark of character.[/ul]

The Awesome:

[/i][/ul][/spoiler]
Vivo (Gaz) -- 3/5

SPOILER: Click to show

The Good:

[/b]: You darn British person. You and your fancy words. Darn you....Colour. D:<

Deaf But Not Dumb: Portraying a man devoid of hearing is surely difficult since you can't really express your character's thoughts through words but...thoughts. In other words, every single thing I saw Vivo do was done out of some mental reasoning which if you look back? Ding ding ding, INNER WORKINGS? You gotta see the gears turning in a person's head regardless if they speak or not. Vivo seems plain to be me but that honestly may be because I've developed a taste for dialogue and might not be too fond of just loads of internal monologue. Whatever the case, Vivo got his point across and I got the message.
[/ul]

The Bad:

[/b]: Just like it says. Caught a lot of repeated usages of he, him, his without creating a more unique way of addressing Vivo other than deaf swordsman. Seriously, I think I saw that like twice every single post? Step up the name game, Gazzerino! >:O Also, commas are cool but should also be used sparingly at times. On the other hand, there were instances where you flat out neglected to use them to separate certain clauses and I just ended up reading a giant paragraph with nothing to help split them apart. Just a heads up.

Pacing: While I enjoyed the thread, it felt much too fast for me. There was no real suspense at all as each action or reaction was followed up post after post. I didn't feel much emotion reading through other than that lovely bit with the murder of your crew mate (As morbid as that sounds...). Overall, I think it fit very nicely as it felt fast paced almost like the accelerating heart beat of someone in panic. I just felt that it could've used some pauses to really let the depth of the situation sink in.

'WOW' Factor: Unlike Lynx and Blab, your posts just didn't have as much of a spark to be honest. They felt highly reactionary and I just felt like you went along with the flow of the thread rather than taking the reins at times. While it's understandable that with Lynx as the Captain, Amy should be taking charge of the story's events, that doesn't mean you can't interject an interesting plot point. Even that incident with the STABBY STABBY, you had Vivo fall asleep?! The guy sadly became a background item by that point. All I'm asking is for you to take control sometimes, not necessarily lead the thread but create events of your own without just reacting to what your partners did.[/ul]

The Awesome:

[/i][/ul][/spoiler]
Errors in Template:

N/A

Totals and Endzone!

---->Amy: (316/500);
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

EXP at Time of Submission: (262/500)
Base EXP Earned: (6) * (5 For doing a Story Mission) = (30)
Bonus EXP Earned: (6) * (4) = (24)
New EXP Total: (262/500) + (30) + (24) = (316)

---->Kulira: (207/500);
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

EXP at Time of Submission: (159/500)
Base EXP Earned: (6) * (5 For doing a Story Mission) = (30)
Bonus EXP Earned: (6) * (3) = (18 POINZ)
New EXP Total: (159) + (30) + (0) = (189/500)

---->Vivo: (204/500);
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

EXP at Time of Submission: (172/500)
Base EXP Earned: (4) * (5 For doing a Story Mission) = (20)
Bonus EXP Earned: (4) * (3) = (12 POINZ)
New EXP Total: (172) + (20) + (0) = (192/500)

Please update your profiles!

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Payment Notice: It's possible your actions in this thread warrant a payout! If you wish to seek berri for your character, you can apply for a payout here.

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