Warm Welcome In A Cold Country (Part 2) (Submission)

[Blaka]

Plot Title/Link: Warm Welcome In A Cold Country (Part 2)
Marine Mission Rank/Number: -
Mission Number: -
Total Number of Posts: 25
Plot Summary:
After getting caught in the Sedna police station and settling a little dispute in Part 1 of this thread, the trio of criminals broke out of the building. It consisted of Amelia LeSorange Delacreux, Monica S. Hamlett and Kulira Cheteria Akuvutika. However, they soon found themselves surrounded by foes from all sides. First of all, the icy snowstorm was a huge problem, as it made seeing next to impossible. the swordman Vivo Segno was tasked with a hit on Amelia and approached them from the front, while the pirate captain Mik Rouz was tearing down the buildings backside, still looking for revenge on Chete. Just as Vivo brought down the entire precinct, an entire squad of cops attacked every outsider they could find. Each outsider fougt handled a small group of enemies respectively, while Mik mysteriously vanished in the chaos. During the battle, Amelia managed to save Vivo's live, which made her earn his respect. Unfortunately for Monica, the hairy woman was overpowered by police and subsequently killed off by Vivo. The remaining three, Amy, Vivo and Chete, made it back to the port, where they took Mik's pirate ship and crew of mooks to sail off before the full storm would come back.

Pirate Crew: Dusk Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: Amelia LeSorange Delacreux
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 7
EXP: 177/500
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0%

Pirate Crew: Dusk Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: Vivo Segno
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 7
EXP: 105/500 (no updated profile available yet)
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0%

Pirate Crew: Dusk Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: Kulira Cheteria Akuvutika
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 7
EXP: 94/150
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0%

Pirate Crew: Dusk Pirates?
Pirate Name/Link: Mik "Laughing Hammer" Rouz
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 1
EXP: 156/500 (no updated profile available yet)
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: vanished

Pirate Crew: -
Pirate Name/Link: Monica S. Hamlett
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 3
EXP: Doesnt matter, got banned into oblivion
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: Into Oblivion I Say!

[Roin]

Okay, I'll take this one. I'll try to get it out somewhat reasonably soon. For future note, don't add someone to the submission if they got banned. No reason to. And though he vanished, Stroud's should be in black as well. Anyway...

Claimed by the splash, yada yada.

[Roin]

The TLDR
Sorry it took so long. I'm generally not a fan of slow grading, but it took me not one try, not twice, but three times of grading before I felt satisfied with the results. The first time was my initial look-through, the second time was when I had taken a few more times to read over it, and the third time was after going back and reading it again with a good basis for the part one. I will note here that I am not handing Stroud's character a grade due to the fact it was a single post and it's highly unlikely he'll return. However, if he comes back and wishes to receive XP for the thread, I'll simply give him 10 EXP as if he had earned a 5, for not giving him a proper grading at the time of this one. If this raises an issue with anyone, lemme know... but I think it's a fair decision!

-------->Individual Ratings!

Amelia LeSorange Delacreux (Lynx) -- 5/5

SPOILER: Click to show

The Good:

[/b]: Something I find enjoyable in most of the threads with size-changing people/vastly different-sized people is that they share a common trait... scale. I know from personal experience (having Albion means he's generally towering) that this can be a fun yet difficult trait. However... I see good use of it in this thread even if briefly. Amelia ain't the strongest butt, but she's certainly portraying the view of someone tiny accurately. I think. I'm a big guy so I-

Content and Descriptions: So, one thing that saves you a ton of face and secures this at a four is the amount of content and description involved. While some people say that less is better and others say more... the fact is that neither matters as long as you make proper use. Averaging out the amount between length and actual content is key to ensuring that a post doesn't bog down... and while the posts are big I genuinely don't feel a gap in the writing. What I mean by "gap" is the more commonly-known "dead-spot" in writing where it gets so droll readers tend to skip around. The writing for Amelia's personality as well as her actions is done properly enough that I don't find myself wanting/having to re-read lines from lack of content.

While this is only going to be a large pro for you (as it stands out as a major factor of your writing), I'd like to iterate that you all showed a steady flow in your personal writing.

Long-Winded: So, Amelia is a character of rather... snobby personality I like to think from my experience with her. So coming into this thread, I DID expect her to be bossy... and when we have her giving long spiels/speeches through the thread it did draw a laugh or two. I'd like to see more of this personality as it can help characters stand out from their crew/others with flair and style. *puts ribbon on Lynx's face*[/ul]

The Bad:

[/b]So, while I am giving you a five (as I can't find any glaring reasons from the few times I've read through this thread), I will say that... there seems to be a disconnect through this thread. Gaz put forth clear effort in linking up with you and Blab did have some solid flow as well... but it just feels like... you had SO much muse and SO much you did that... you kinda drown the other two out. I'm not trying to bring you down on yer game (as this DID score you a 5), but... I honestly feel like there was a slight disconnect through most of the thread beyond responding and ordering the others around. I genuinely don't feel like there was any synergy for some of these fight scenes. Like... I feel you went at points "Oh, I should involve x" and then they'd be kinda tossed an opportunity which would direct them from what they had planned/were doing.

Again, this con isn't something I deducted on because I feel it's far too biased to really decide on... but I also wanted to have my say on this. A five is a good example of writing and roleplay at its finest forms... so as I said you DID earn this. But I hope the next time around that I see the Dusk Pirates that there isn't some odd... "misclick" between your posts and the others.
[/ul]

The Awesome:

[/i][/ul][/spoiler]
Vivo Segno (Gaz) -- 3/5

SPOILER: Click to show

The Good:

[/b]: I've made it known that I'm not the largest fan of vivid scenes of bloody battle (I generally find it distasteful), but the combat portions of the mass murder of NPCs more or less makes up for it. Attacks have more than just "make attack, results" to them such as descriptions affecting the snowfall, the buildings, and the targets. The descriptive portion of your writing seemed to come out here the most.

Good Rhythm: Aside from the slightly forced (it felt like that) intro, you hold a good rhythm most of the thread. This might be due to the fact you were off on your own or it could be tied to the fact that everyone else did a good job of fitting to you, but regardless this is something that showed through the thread as there were few "rocky" sections of your posting where it didn't line up in terms of events, interaction, and actions. That being said, I think that the potential chemistry of the crew could do this character well. Maybe they'll keep him away from swords and mass murder @_@ have 'em chill out a bit. The bit I said about Lynx earlier can somewhat fit into this, so good work. *nodnod*

Evil Character: Now, while I am not a fan of mass-murder or just general brutal characters... Vivo fit his alignment through most of this thread. While I somewhat wondered about the lawful element of his killing spree, I did notice the signs that most evil characters have (such as not minding accidentally killing the fairy's subordinate) throughout most of his speaking. For this reason I'd say that you did proper in naming this character evil... unlike the last one you thought was until we cleared it up :L. Now... onto the main and rather gritty portion.[/ul]

The Bad:

[/b]: Alright, so the thing that really had me questioning your score for the majority was the initial portion of this thread. Now... yes, stone-cutting techniques are a thing at D. This is something we have documented in our guidelines/explanation of what ranks can get. But... the thing is that these are generally direct attacks. You use, however, and Air Slash to accomplish this feat. Of course, you used an air slash to damage the wall initially... but then you not only cleave through the wall (which changes from stone to stone AND wood which means its reinforced considerably structure and defensive wise), but your attack has enough power that it then cleaves through the ceiling AND roof... and then FURTHER into the air before dissipating. On top of this, you did so much damage with the cut that the building began to collapse.

While I understand cinematic portrayal and that this IS One Piece... your power level is more fitting of someone late D or maybe even C with the fact that you're using air slashes strong enough to cleave stone (it's already one thing to make a slash of air cut). This is the major deducting factor in your grading as managing a character, regardless of what they do and how they do it, within their ranks is essential. If I am wrong in this theory, then I will gladly apologize if I'm told to change this grading... however, I will stand by the fact that this display of power is something that a D wouldn't be doing only 5 experience out the gate.

Clumsy Positioning: No, I don't mean how you stumble around and get dizzy. Something I seemed to notice is that while you described the effects of attacks and how they might have changed the area... I had very little solid bead on where you were. Of course, this might be because you were stumbling around and hidden by the snow ICly, but I'd like to think that OOCly we should have a solid understanding of at the very least the general area you were in. For the most part, I knew you were outside the building... and then later in the thread it tightens up only because you're with the others. Try to improve on giving a "bead" on where you are. As someone who occasionally slips on this, I can tell you that it's both frustrating for those that are involved as well as (depending on severity) various scenes. The best way to improve on this is to use landmarks that you establish well within positioning. Anything to make it easier to paint the mental picture will do!

It should also be included in this section (though I won't speak much on it), that you seemed to have a rough entrance to the thread. I feel like that might be partly involved with Part 1, but at the same time it could be remedied with better initial planning of a thread. I look forward to seeing this improved on, though I'm not deducing much for this individual factor.

Execution of Monica: Okay, so... we all know Duff got banned. We all know this means that most of the characters belonging to a banned member get killed off or retired ICly. I understand that she was a DF user and more or less because of that was doomed to die... but the scene where she's cut down to the point all that was left was clumps of hair and blood ties back into the big con as well as making me wonder why this was even done. If you wanted to have a character killed in such a dismissive way, you'd have been better off letting her get ICly executed as the group left. Instead, you took a swing at her and have bragged in chat about a "kill count" sort of bragging right.

The TLDR? This scene was a severe lack of respect for your fellow threadmate, even if Duff had been banned. Next time, please make a departure of an OC more tasteful than chalking them up as a one-hit fatality to some misplaced power-level swing. And it might sound harsh, but this is something that really had me kinda rubbed the wrong way while reading through this. You were fine and dandy to be graphic in your murders of so many NPCs, but then you casually dispatched another member's character without so much more than a single paragraph to define the attack and then the after-effect.[/ul]

The Awesome:

[/i][/ul][/spoiler]
Kulira Cheteria Akuvutika (Blabbers) -- 4/5

SPOILER: Click to show

The Good:

[/b]: I remember back when you had initially been making this character. It had been during a discussion on why Evil characters seldom felt genuine or even unique. Thankfully, based on this and the previous part of this storyline, you dodged the bullet and made a character that generally seems better. This could be from actually NOT being phased at the death of Monica to the original moment where she's preparing for battle. 

Writing Overall and Improvement: Okay, so while I was gone it's clear you've taken time to improve your writing. This is obvious in the fact that both the description portions, scene portrayals, and even the combat have significantly improved since I last graded you. I can visibly see effort to pick up slack (or maybe it's muse being pulled in) that leads to you somewhat improving even within this thread. All that aside, I got nothing else for this section. Good work Blab. *thumbs up*

Dialogue: Few characters seem to have lines of speech that feel genuine... I'm glad to say that this isn't the same for Chete. It might be somewhat connected to the personality of her, but when most of her dialogue is going on, it feels like something I'd remember her saying. Now... that might sound strange at first... but think of it like "oh, evil characters could say this" or "Pirates all say this" sort of thing. Essentially, when she speaks to other people I feel like this character's dialogue is well-thought and actually fitting most (if not all) of the moments it's used. Good work on this part, too. *double thumbs up*[/ul]

The Bad:

[/b]: Okay, so... let's take a moment to talk about the rather graphic facial destruction Chete unleashed. Now, I know you're evil... but that writing was borderline PG-13, if not greater. I got sick from the visualization of that scene where she was literally getting her face broken. I'm not going to quote it because that part of the writing was distasteful to the point that I genuinely stopped reading for a while. It's one thing to be evil and it's one thing to kill people. But it's another when you graphically detail someone's face and skull being devastated by iron kicks. Evil or not, please avoid getting so in-depth that we have "Each time, another bone in her skull gave in, be it a tooth or a cheeckbone" as only one part of a brutal beating. Seriously... this isn't Murder RP, it's One Piece. Let's focus on making vicious acts like this vague and not so detailed.

Content: So, while there is plenty of descriptive writing and personality to this character... I feel like for the most part that it was a tad bit sparse compared to the total of the others in this thread. The majority of them spend time on when you've reached places as well. I know following someone isn't very eventful... but you more or less seem to include following Amelia at points as if to go "oh right, I better keep doing this." But yeah... you could certainly do better to include a BIT more content. You got the writing and description capabilities to make this section vanish with a bit more tempering and work.

Now, again, while you lack content I'd like to say that you didn't have a dull section of your writing. I just wish you had done more to match the flow of action/rate of action that your thread partners were putting forward. So take this con with a grain of salt, as while you lacked total content, the content would have been perfect if the pace of the others had been slowed/changed to fit less action. This field, in short, while it can always be improved on... I'd say you were only just below the threshold for the normal variance in content.[/ul]

The Awesome:

[/i][/ul][/spoiler]

Errors in Template:

I already told Blab about it, but please avoid submitting someone who has been perma-banned or banned on such a note that it's almost impossible to see them return. The submission for Stroud's character was fine, this note is mainly to focus on the exclusion of someone in the case of Monica.

Also, please don't use red. Depending on theme color, it can make it initially hard to read. Keep it all black so it's nice and clear. Thanks in advance OTL.

Also: Kulira's listed EXP was off by 2 (96). Adjusted it for this grading.

Totals and Endzone!

---->Amelia LeSorange Delacreux: 247/500;
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

EXP at Time of Submission: 177/500
Base EXP Earned: 7 * 5 = 35
Bonus EXP Earned: 7 * 5 = 35
New EXP Total: 177 + 35 + 35 = 247/500

---->Vivo Segno: 161/500;
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

EXP at Time of Submission: 105/500
Base EXP Earned: 7 * 5 = 35
Bonus EXP Earned: 7 * 3 = 21
New EXP Total: 105 + 35 + 21 = 161/500

---->Kulira Cheteria Akuvutika: 159/500 RANKU UPPU! Chete is now D Rank;
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

EXP at Time of Submission: 96/150
Base EXP Earned: 7 * 5 = 35
Bonus EXP Earned: 7 * 4 = 28
New EXP Total: 96 + 35 + 28 = 159/500

Please update your profiles, ya bums! If you have any comments, concerns, or what-have-you, let me or a member of staff know via PM, PC, or in the chatbox!

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Bounty Notice: It's possible your actions in this thread warrant retribution! If you wish to seek a bounty for your characters, you can apply for one here.

Payment Notice: It's possible your actions in this thread warrant a payout! If you wish to seek berri for your character, you can apply for a payout here.

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[/font]

[Shinku]

Due to me finishing my grading for Amelia first, the base exp used here is wrong.

It would be good if people would update the numbers in such cases in order to avoid confusion.

But as it is, I'll be just correcting it for now.

    ---->Amelia LeSorange Delacreux: (262/500 EXP);
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

EXP at Time of Submission: 192/500 EXP
Base EXP Earned: 7 * 5 = 35
Bonus EXP Earned: 7 * 5 = 35
New EXP Total: 192 + 35 + 35= 262/500 EXP