Mission #25 - If You Can't Beat Them [Submission]

[Blaka]

Plot Title/Link:  Mission #25 - If You Can't Beat Them
Marine Mission Rank/Number: -
Mission Number: 25
Total Number of Posts: 10
Plot Summary:
Weeks after the devastating attack of the Hoshi Pirates on the Island of Port West, the pirate Queen B. Melosa arrived. The Marine Base was still being rebuilt. On the marketplace, her purse got stolen by a little street kid, who cut her arm and ran away, forcing Melosa to chase after him. Unfortunately for the boy, he ran into a group of Marine Recruits consisting of Izlanda Morre and her two colleagues. After seeing how they treated the boy, Melosa engaged the Marines in combat while Izlanda chased after the fleeing kid. To the pirate princess' misfortune, the fire spitting Ensign Akushu arrived on the scene. During the fight, Melosa managed to beat the two recruits that were with Izlanda earlier, but had severe problems even surviving against the Ensign who was setting the entire market on fire. Meanwhile, Izlanda gave up on chasing the boy and returned to the scene. Just in time to see Melosa get saved by a myterious stranger: Cormad, Izlanda's pirate brother showed up in a cat mask and a bucket of water at his disposal. Hoping to beat Akushu with Melosa's help, he started attacking the evil Marine. Unfortunately, we had to call it a day at this point due to personal differences and lost interest in the mission in general.

Pirate Crew: Queen Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: Queen B. Melosa
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 5
EXP: 268/500
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0


Marine Division: N/A
Marine Name/Link: Izlanda Morre
Marine Rank: Seaman Recruit
Number of Posts: 5
EXP: 0/100
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0

Pirate Crew: Grim Tale Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: Cormad Morre
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 2
EXP: 143/500
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0

[Deleted]

EDIT: Three things, Queen B. Melosa is at 293/500 EXP and Izlanda Morre has 90/100 EXP and you only get bonus exp for having 3 or more posts. Thus changing Izlanda to 110/500 EXP and Cormad to 145/500 EXP and Melosa to 313/500 EXP.

-------->Individual Ratings!

Queen B. Melosa (Blabberino) -- 3/5

SPOILER: Click to show

The Good:

[/b]: For someone whose first language isn't English, you've done a great job Blabbers. I could clearly read and understand just about everything in every one of your posts with the exception of a few typo's here and there. Other than that, you did mighty fine!

Juggling NPC's: Playing your own character is work enough but having to use three extra? Props to you, sir. I tip my hat. I applaud you. And I commend you for being able to handle using all four people without having it start to feel awkward and jumbled. 

Plausibility: Despite this being a mission, it was cool of you to involve your character's history which actually provided some good evidence for the motivation behind her actions. And it wasn't just the background but also the internal processes going on in her mind taking place that gave a meaning to what she did. Often I'll see people have their characters just do stuff without ever introducing a reason or rationale behind it. They'll normally just do it to advance the plot but here you did well in presenting why Queen did what she did.[/ul]

The Bad:

[/b]: Enough of the praise, it's time to rip you a new one. (BTW, this applies to both you and Roin.) I'll be honest, the flow of this mission, especially because it's incomplete, was utterly horrible. I mean right away without any formal description of anything about the island you've arrived at, you immediately thrust into the action. It'd be like starting a novel with the protagonist walking in a park and instantly getting mauled by dogs. You have no time to digest anything that happens and it all just happens too quickly. And the thing is that while I did compliment your technical clarity in writing, that didn't clear up anything when I was confused by the events happening in the mission. Like...I'm reading Izzy and Queen and focusing on this little thief and the marines and suddenly an Ensign shows up out of nowhere? Now my focus is just split between these two completely separate things. And then it gets even weirder when Cormad shows up? Again, no formal introduction and it just seems too random to the point it feels spontaneous.

Cooperation: Towards the end, even Roin seems to think you guys sharing Akushu was getting a bit strange. And I gotta agree. Even though this was really short, it felt like neither of your characters were interacting at all. Not to mention it was just really hectic to keep jumping back from the fire-breathing battle to chasing this kid. Additionally, the personalty of Akushu kept changing with you guys using him leaving me worried whether or not you guys had a solid understanding of what this guy was really like. Looking back though I see that the dates between posts is huge towards the end so I'm guessing lack of muse had to do something with these negative outcomes.

Description: Why you no write description? Moshi would be so ashamed. >:( 
No, but really. Not once did I see anything visually painted in my mind as I read this whole thing. I got glimpses of fire and wooden stands being demolished but the setting itself seemed so vague and obscure I had no idea if you guys were duking it out in some western desert with saloons and whatnot or some organized market district in a neat part of town. And it wasn't even just the place either. I only ever had a hint of what Ashuku and the kid thief looked like. Every other stranger was just a blank stick figure for all I knew. So yeah, improve upon that if you could.[/ul]

The Awesome:

[/i][/ul][/spoiler]
Cormad & Izlanda Morre (Roin Atkinson) -- 3/5

SPOILER: Click to show

The Good:

[/b]:Ayyyy. What do you know? You and Blab done good in this department!

Dat NPC Doe: What are you guys, twins? Stop getting the same Pros!? >:O

Micheal Bay, Eh: You've done a good job of writing some action scenes that could've made it into the description pros had it not been for everything else. Some nicely worded and illustrated fighting here and there kept me entertained enough to get through this thing while I was fighting off sleep. So thumbs up for you, Michae- erm Roin.[/ul]

The Bad:

[/b]: Why you no write description? Moshi would be so ashamed. >:(
No, but really. Not once did I see anything visually painted in my mind as I read this whole thing. I got glimpses of fire and wooden stands being demolished but the setting itself seemed so vague and obscure I had no idea if you guys were duking it out in some western desert with saloons and whatnot or some organized market district in a neat part of town. And it wasn't even just the place either. I only ever had a hint of what Ashuku and the kid thief looked like. Every other stranger was just a blank stick figure for all I knew. So yeah, improve upon that if you could.

Pacing: Enough of the praise, it's time to rip you a new one. (BTW, this applies to both you and Roin.) I'll be honest, the flow of this mission, especially because it's incomplete, was utterly horrible. I mean right away without any formal description of anything about the island Queen arrived at, you're immediately thrusted into the action. It'd be like starting a novel with the protagonist walking in a park and instantly getting mauled by dogs. You have no time to digest anything that happens and it all just happens too quickly. And the thing is that while I did compliment your technical clarity in writing, that didn't clear up anything when I was confused by the events happening in the mission. Like...I'm reading Izzy and Queen and focusing on this little thief and the marines and suddenly an Ensign shows up out of nowhere? Now my focus is just split between these two completely separate things. And then it gets even weirder when Cormad shows up? Again, no formal introduction and it just seems too random to the point it feels spontaneous.

Cooperation: Towards the end, even you seems to think you guys sharing Akushu was getting a bit strange. And I gotta agree. Even though this was really short, it felt like neither of your characters were interacting at all. Not to mention it was just really hectic to keep jumping back from the fire-breathing battle to chasing this kid. Additionally, the personalty of Akushu kept changing with you guys using him leaving me worried whether or not you guys had a solid understanding of what this guy was really like. Looking back though I see that the dates between posts is huge towards the end so I'm guessing lack of muse had to do something with these negative outcomes.[/ul]

The Awesome:

[/font]"[/i][/ul][/spoiler]
Errors in Template:

N/A

Totals and Endzone!

---->Blabberino: (313/500);
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

EXP at Time of Submission: (293/500)
Base EXP Earned: (5) * (1 For doing a Mission)) = (5)
Bonus EXP Earned: (5) * (3) = (15)
New EXP Total: (293) + (5) + (15) = (313/500)

---->Groin: (110/100); Congrats on making D Class!
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

EXP at Time of Submission: (90/100)
Base EXP Earned: (5) * (1 For doing a Mission)) = (5)
Bonus EXP Earned: (5) * (3) = (15)
New EXP Total: (90) + (5) + (15) = (110/500)

---->Groin: (145/500);
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

EXP at Time of Submission: (143/500)
Base EXP Earned: (2) * (1 For doing a Story Mission) = (2)
Bonus EXP Earned: (2)) * (3) = (6)
New EXP Total: (143/500) + (2) + (0) = (145/500)

[/font]Please update your profiles!

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