[Submissions] Competitive Conga

[EriChar]

Plot Title/Link: Competitive Conga
Total Number of Posts: 50
Plot Summary: Having arrived in Water Seven, the fledgling friendship between Samba Deflor, Fffion Van Pierre and Olivia set forth to find a means of movement that isn’t rail. Longing for the freedom a ship would offer, Samba and Ffion head to the Galley La dockyard to see what’s available and what might suit their means, while Olivia tries to get her precious dress repaired. Unknown to the trio, for the past few days they’ve been stalked by the unhealthy obsession of one Mitohsu Ukki, who had heard of their exploits on the sea train and decided to shadow the girls to try and find a confidence in them.

After meeting the Galley La President Iceburg and Paulie, Samba finds herself infatuated with the race entry for the upcoming Sea Train Memorial race, an annual event where boat builders and pilots compete to commemorate the sea train’s success. Longing to make the ship her own, unfortunately tragedy strikes both the girls and shipwrights when the dock is bombed by an unknown individual. Capable Medic Fifi sets about helping the wounded immediately, but Samba instead sets off after the attacker, catching up to the man and knocking him out effortlessly. Enraged, the dancer’s attempt to apprehend him is blocked by a mysterious mercenary by the name of Soredama Kujaku. Attempting to defeat the woman in her fury, Kujaku quickly turns the tables on Samba and gives her a sound defeat, leaving the cheery dancer something of a mess.

Back at the docks, inspired by the work of the Galley La and wanting to emulate the heroic women she had followed, the shy Ukki gathers her courage to use her potent devil fruit powers to quell the flames at the doc, while Ffion finishes helping the wounded. Samba limping back and disheartened, her spirit returns when Iceburg agrees to let the girls help with their race effort, inducting them into ‘Team Galley La’ and also offering the timid Ukki a place.

Returning to their hotel to recruit Olivia as well, to the dismay of Samba and Ffion, the girls discover their friend has left them for pastures new, and despite their best efforts to catch her before she left the island, fail to stop the Sea Train departing. Broken hearted, the incident with the mercenary and the loss of her friend push Samba into a deep depression, breaking down in despair and desperation as Ffion tries to comfort her. Ukki, who had trailed the pair from the hotel, finally meets the duo in a public capacity, hoping to cheer Samba by offering her own modest friendship and support; confident in the dancer’s ability to bounce back. As the girls are left for the moment at the station, Kujaku returns from afar, herself confident that they will pose no threat in the upcoming race…

(The plot was supposed to include the race as well, but we’ve opted to break the story into two parts for ease of grading)

Pirate Crew: Fever Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: Samba Deflor
Current Bounty: N/A
Number of Posts: 17
EXP: 460
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 100%

Pirate Crew: Fever Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: Ffion Van Pierre
Current Bounty: N/A
Number of Posts: 18
EXP: 290
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 75-80% (Whatever makes things an even split)

Pirate Crew: Fever Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: Mitohsu Ukki
Current Bounty: N/A
Number of Posts: 9
EXP: 500
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 100%

Pirate Crew: Fever Pirates (Formerly)
Pirate Name/Link: Olivia
Current Bounty: N/A
Number of Posts: 2
Note: Nebuneferu seems to have left the site so this is more a formality than grading request

Pirate Crew: N/A
Pirate Name/Link: Soredama Kujaku
Current Bounty: N/A
Number of Posts: 4
EXP: 500
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 100%

[Mr. Moshypocrite McSlowbro]

-------->Individual Ratings!

Samba Deflor(Charbert) -- 4.5/5

SPOILER: Click to show

The Good:

[/b]Pretty much what it says. I'd be more surprised if I DIDN'T see this in a Fever Thread. Y'all were just a HAIR short of both getting fives.

Excellent Emotional Content: Something I pointed out before, on the thread before the train? Or maybe it was on the train, with Samba's flashback/breakdown bit. You're very good at projecting emotional from characters, just with the language you use and the picture you paint. In particular, you are good at making me sad. STOP DOIN' THAT, THESE GIRLS NEED A HAPPY ENDING DAMNIT.

Rolling with the punches: Honestly, I thought the fact you managed to use the lose of a crew member (Just them leaving the site, not like a death or something) and incorporate it into the ongoing arc was particularly clever. Generally that sorta stuff ends up being the death knell for inspiration in a thread, and you flipped that notion onto its head. Nicely done. Also, your template is purdy.[/ul]

The Bad:

[/b]: Okay. While not nearly as bad as other people, and nowhere NEAR the record words in a single sentence I've come across, you do write run-on's very consistently. I'm defining a run-on sentence here as a single sentence that is both exceedingly long and contains multiple statements that are not necessarily related. You seem to hit the 50-70 word range for sentences very frequently in your work here. This would be fine if standing alone, but with the sheer quantity of them makes things look worse. Basically there is no reason for the majority of these to be linked, and nothing would be lost if you had used periods rather than commas.

Jumbled up Sentences?: When you hit emotional or action packed scenes, it seems like you get REALLY excited. Which is great, but it also leads to some really jumbled up sentences. Point and case, reread either the first  line after Ukki's thought on your last post, the first line after Ukki's thought on your first post. It's the easiest to find, but there are a lot of other places I can point out. Part of it I assume is from you stopping mid-sentence to rethink what you are going to say and then starting again, which is an issue I do all the time too. Bu it can also be linked to my previous point about the run-on sentences making things awkward.

Bit more description, yo?: This may be nit-picky, but short of arriving at the shipyard you don't describe much. You refer to it, the canal and such. But nothing about the towering volcano-esque fountain in the center of the island? Maybe people riding by on Bulls, one of the most common forms of travel? You gave me a bit on Ukki's appearance and outfit, but nothing on Samba. Usually you are pretty thorough on this stuff, so it was strange seeing it left out![/ul]

The Awesome:

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Ffion Van Pierre (Violo) -- 4.5/5

SPOILER: Click to show

The Good:

[/b]: This is something I always enjoy when reading your posts Vio. There is an excellent, and I'm going to have to reuse this word because I don't know what else to call it, flow to it. Calling it poetic is a bit too flowery, but you have a oddly good sense of tone and word choice that stays very consistent throughout your posts. I'm not sure if that's done intentionally or not, but I like it. Plus you do a good job describing things and people, Ffion included. It's nice to have a refresher and a quick image of the character and their outfit painted at the start of the thread so I don't have to look in people's profiles or anything. Y'all were just a HAIR short of both getting fives.

Interesting Character Quirks: I remember in a previous grading commenting on the strange detached way of thinking Ffion had, talking about herself and her species in the third person like a narrator in a nature documentary. I thought it could have made for an amusing trait, but you later mentioned trying to rework her personality. Well, if this is the finished product of that rework I think you did an excellent job. She is a very well rounded character, with her own motivations and perspective. And quirks, of course. I liked the bit about her finding peace in darkness. It's not something I think I would have come up with on my own, but it makes perfect sense for a vampire squid. Though, this could also be because I find the thought of being hundreds of feet below the surface surrounded by pitch black ocean to be one the most terrifying experiences possible on the damn planet.

Side-plots!: This is just something interesting I've noticed lately in your work. ALL THE SIDEPLOTS. Never straight forward, always working multiple angles. It's great, and I enjoy it. Honestly something I wish I could work into more of my threads, but I'm never entirely sure how to go about it.
[/ul]

The Bad:

[/b]: Okay, I feel like this is yet another manifestation of what we've talked about in the other threads. Where writers will mimic each other's styles as a thread goes on. I found out recently that there is something called the Chameleon Effect, where people in a group who get along well will unconsciously copy gestures and stances from one another. In this case, we're calling it the Char-meleon effect, which I am now realizing is also a pokemon. You both had a lot of issues with run on sentences in this thread, though in slightly different ways. Char's were mostly caused by the linking of unrelated statements, and yours were mostly linking related but numerous statements. General rule is two commas a sentence (Barring lists and such), meaning three connected segments. Which you did follow a lot of the time. But there are also a lot of five segment sentences that run into the 60-80 word range, which is waaay too long. On top of that you also like to merge run on sentences with a dash or semicolon, making HUGE sentences. Which would be okay if used sparingly, but are being used in close proximity with one another and just making things awkward.

Word Jumble: This is something I noted only in you later posts. Instances where you've either switched tenses, or perhaps changed your mind about what you wanted to write mid-sentence, or something to that effect. This leaves statements which seemed fine when I first read them, but going back over them with an appraising eye I realized my brain had been subconsciously correcting the errors. This isn't that big of deal, since one they're subtle enough and uncommon enough for the reading to miss them. Typically, I'd only take points off for this if it was bad enough to disrupt the initial reading. They happen to everyone, and are honestly more difficult for the author to see than anyone else since you know what it is SUPPOSED to be.

"Presently," "Therefore," "Instead,": I'm honestly not sure if this would be considered an issue or a style choice, but you start a LOT of sentences in this fashion or some variation thereof. "But presently," "To be fair," etc etc. Just something I noticed. Honestly, I just like having the 3 Pro 3 Con symmetry.[/ul]

The Awesome:

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Errors in Template:

N/A

Totals and Endzone!

    ---->Samba: 545/1500 (New Total EXP for Samba) and 77 Poinz!;
    Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

EXP at Time of Submission: 460 (Samba's EXP at Time of Submission)
Base EXP Earned: 17 (Number of Posts) * 5 (For doing a Story Thread) = 85 (Base EXP Earned)
Bonus EXP Earned: 17 (Number of Posts) * 4.5 (Quality Bonus) = 77 (Bonus Poinz Earned)
New EXP Total: 460 (EXP at Submission) + 85 (Base EXP) =  545/1500 (New Total EXP for Samba)

    ---->Ffion: 397/500 (New Total EXP for Ffion) and 64 Poinz!;
    Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

EXP at Time of Submission: 290 (Ffion's EXP at Time of Submission)
Base EXP Earned: 18 (Number of Posts) * 5 (For doing a Story Thread) = 90 (Base EXP Earned)
Bonus EXP Earned: 18 (Number of Posts) * 4.5 (Quality Bonus) = 81 (80% Split) = 17 (Bonus EXP Earned), 64 (Bonuz Poinz Earned)
New EXP Total: 290 (EXP at Submission) + 90 (Base EXP) + 17 (Bonus EXP) = 397/500 (New Total EXP for Ffion)

    ---->Ukki: 545/1500 (New Total EXP for Ukki) and 41 Poinz!;
    Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

EXP at Time of Submission: 500 (Ukki's EXP at Time of Submission)
Base EXP Earned: 9 (Number of Posts) * 5 (For doing a Story Thread) = 45 (Base EXP Earned)
Bonus EXP Earned: 9 (Number of Posts) * 4.5 (Quality Bonus) = 41 (Bonus Poinz Earned)
New EXP Total: 500 (EXP at Submission) + 45 (Base EXP) = 545/1500 (New Total EXP for Ukki)

    ---->Jack: 520/1500 (New Total EXP for Jack) and 18 Poinz!;
    Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

EXP at Time of Submission: 500 (Jack's EXP at Time of Submission)
Base EXP Earned: 4 (Number of Posts) * 5 (For doing a Story Thread) = 20 (Base EXP Earned)
Bonus EXP Earned: 4 (Number of Posts) * 4.5 (Quality Bonus) = 18 (Bonus Poinz Earned)
New EXP Total: 500 (EXP at Submission) + 20 (Base EXP) = 520/1500 (New Total EXP for Jack)

Please update your profiles!

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