Death On Two Legs [Queen Pirates 3] (Part 1) (Submission)

[Blaka]

Plot Title/Link: Death On Two Legs [Queen Pirates 3]
Marine Mission Rank/Number: -
Mission Number: -
Total Number of Posts: 35
Plot Summary:
After losing their gunner Chase Perkins to the chaos on Dautaun, the Queen Pirates Melosa and Shin were sailing to the Silver Islands to find a chef. On the way they were surprised by a huge storm that threw Melosa overboard and wrecked their ship, La Colmena. Both crewmembers stranded on different parts of Aityaia Island. At the same time, the cook Carl Ohdora, who had met the Queen Pirates before on Dauntaun, ate a Devil Fruit that turned him into a Lion Human. Due to his inability to control his Devil Fruit Powers, he got into a conflict with the second future crewmember - the musician Louisa McLeod. The two of them happened upon the unconciouss Shin at the beach, where they resolved their differences to help him. Meanwhile, Melosa happened by chance upon territorry of the native Shinobi, who claimed to have a contract with a powerful person they called "Abejorro" to train Melosa in exchange for Abejorro keeping their secret. While Melosa started her training after initial protest, her crewmate and the rest of her crew got into a heated barfight with local criminals. While Melosa failed her first training lesson, the trio of future crewmembers won the fight at the bar and decided to repair their wrecked ship before looking for their captain.

Pirate Crew: Queen Pirates
Pirate Name/Link:  Queen B. Melosa
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 9
EXP: 178/500
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0%

Pirate Crew: Queen Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: Shingetsu Asada
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 7
EXP: 118/500
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 25%

Pirate Crew: Queen Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: Louisa McLeod
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 10
EXP: 0/100
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 25%

Pirate Crew: Queen Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: Carl "The Pan" Ohdora
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 9
EXP: 28/100
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: Currently vanished

[Deleted]

I claim dis one to grade

[Deleted]

Pirate Name/Link: Queen B. Melosa
4/5

SPOILER: Click to show

The Good: Your writing is solid, and you certainly don't skimp on the volume. I was a little sketchy on the whole "Legendary Village of Ninjas beholden to my character" bit, however, you allayed that fear fairly well. From what I can tell, this person who set them up may not have their best interests in mind.

Melosa's Devil Fruit is handled very well, and I had to mention that. Most people with a bug control fruit would be sending swarms of bugs in air slash formation, or what have you. The "Less is more" approach is good at D, and I'm glad to see you aren't flying on wings of bees or something.

The Bad: Your biggest issue is grammar, honestly. Tenses seem to trip you up a bit, such as "Untie" when it should be Untied. It's not tremendously bad, but it is noticeable. The only other major issue I noticed was that you seem to be rather disconnected from the others, but that might just be due to the current thread.

Pirate Name/Link: Shingetsu Asada
3/5
Grading:

SPOILER: Click to show

The Good: Your writing is, for the most part, understandable and doesn't repeat itself much. Shin's reactions make sense, and I note a fairly solid personality.

The Bad: Your biggest failings come in the writing itself, here. First off, commas. You do not use them in SO many places that you should. A comma is a pause. The way you're writing, a sentence like "The bartender paused, then shrugged his shoulders, not seeming to understand the question." Read with no breaks, because you don't have the commas there.

Second issue is typos. Not mispelled words, just the wrong ones. You have, in one sentence, "Of" instead of "off", "Steal" instead of Still.. You also really have to use apostrophes, cause you don't. It's Melosa's, not Melosas

Pirate Name/Link: Louisa McLeod
5/5
Grading: 

SPOILER: Click to show

The Good:The accent and speaking of Louisa was very consistent throughout the thread. This isn't an easy thing to do, by any means. Grammar and spelling are both print quality here, no complaints to be had.The Bad:If I could think of something, I'd say it. But I got nada.

Pirate Name/Link: Carl "The Pan" Ohdora
2/5
Grading: INACTIVE

Queen B. Melosa
(5x9)= 45 Base
(4x9)= 35 Bonus
New total 258/500

Shingetsu Asada:
(5x7)= 35 Base
(3x7)= 21 Bonus
- 25% Pointz
Total: 169/500 and 5 Poinz

Louisa McLeod
(5x10)= 50 Base
(5x10)= 50 Bonus
Total 100/100
LEVEL UP
Louisa McLeoud has reached D Class
Total 100/500

Please update your profiles.