A lion, a dino, a fox and a penguin! [Submission]

[Blushing z0ro]

Plot Title/Link: A lion, a dino, a fox and a penguin! (Leo/Kusa/Kai/Brandon)
Marine Mission Rank/Number: N/A
Mission Number: N/A
Total Number of Posts: 26
Plot Summary: Sailing the sea of the North Blue after their escape from Marius island Leonard and Kusatta encounter new comrades. The first is Brandon the Penguin, a mysterious bird who, after eating a Devil Fruit found himself unable to swim like other of his kind, but can now give his body the properties of paper. The second is Kaito a young fisherman in search of adventure who agreed to help and join the rag-tag crew. Leo realizing his crew was now becoming a proper group he gave a heartfelt speech about his objective as pirate and his hope for the crew. Just as the speech ended a gust of wind blew the papery penguin into the sea. As Leo and Kaito were the only two who could save Brandon they both dived after the sea bird. Once into the cold North seawater the three pirates were attacked by a huge killer shark, to give Brandon a chance Kaito handed him to Leo and faced the shark alone while the captain took the bird back to the surface. Only once Leonard dived back into the sea only an injured shark was left. After slaying the shark in a desperate attempt Leo brought it up to the boat whereupon Kusatta made a meal out of the fish.

(Note: Kaito went missing so he was skipped in the end)

Pirate Crew: Shining Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: Leonard Le Clerc
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 7
EXP: 56
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0

Pirate Crew: Shining Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: Kusatta Kotei
Current Bounty:0
Number of Posts:7
EXP: 80
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0

Pirate Crew: Shining Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: Brandon the Penguin
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 7
EXP: 41
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 100


Pirate Crew: Shining Pirates
Pirate Name/Link: Kaito Shun
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 5
EXP: 0
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?:N/A

[Deleted]

Overview
Overall, the thread was quite good. There was a noticeable improvement here from the previous thread with Leo and Kusatta, both writing and content-wise. The only downside to me was the extremely short post length for most of the thread, some of them not much more than the 200 word limit. Everyone was guilty of this to some degree, but even in the thread,I saw improvement, with the post length improving substantially. Threads are not graded by length, but extremely short length can often impact quality.



Pirate Name/Link: Leonard Le Clerc
4/5 Bonus.

SPOILER: Click to show

The Upsides

The speech that you gave, that inspired the name? I loved that. That was amazing. Not only was did it flow well, it was dramatic. Quite honestly, it was my favorite part of the thread.

Your writing, Spelling, grammar and speed, have all improved significantly since "The Beginning of Moonlight." It appears that you listened to my comments about the issues of the previous thread, and this is much better. 
The Downsides

There were some spelling and grammar mistakes, such as the wrong tense, peppered throughout, but they didn't really repeat themselves. The only one that really seemed to repeat itself often was Leo's name. It's used a lot, but towards the end of the thread, it got less so.

You seem to be having some issues with tense in a few places, but I'm trying not to be too picky, as English isn't your first language, and you're doing pretty well even for a native speaker. Maybe ask someone if you're not sure about a sentence?

Pirate Name/Link: Kusatta Kosei

3/5 Bonus.

SPOILER: Click to show

The Upsides

The writing in this thread, as opposed to your last one, is a lot better. You don't rush so much, there's more description of his actions, and it looks a lot better overall.

Unlike the brawlfest last time, Kusatta actually takes time to be introspective. This is good! Keep doing that! Just because he's a bruising hulk of prehistoric power doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings, thoughts, dreams! Thinking not only helps you write more, it gives the character's actions meaning.

The Downsides

While it is overall better, there are spots where things kind of rush up, spelling and grammar get sloppier, and you make more mistakes. I know English isn't your first language, and I'm trying to be lenient there. You actually listened to my advice and improved, and it's noticeable. Just keep up the good effort.

Part of the reason the slip-ups are so noticeable is the fact that overall, your posts are fairly short. We ask for 200 words at minimum, but several of your posts are just barely at that. While it does increase over the thread, it's something to work on.

Pirate Name/Link: Brandon the Penguin

4/5 Bonus.

SPOILER: Click to show

The Upsides

Since Brandon can't talk, and can't comprehend a lot of english, his dialogue is obviously fairly limited. Still, he was able to interact adequately enough, and playing an animal seems a fair challenge. Still, the space was filled up nicely with descriptions, and very animal-like thoughts.

The Downsides

While the posts were rather short, I understand that you didn't have much to work off of. In addition, there were a few small spelling errors, but nothing too bad.

Pirate Name/Link: Kaito Shun
2/5 Bonus.

SPOILER: Click to show

The Upsides

This was decently written, and Kaito seemed fairly reasonable. It looked quite promising.

The Downsides

The issue is, there's not much of it. You appear to have vanished mid thread, and have perhaps 1100 words in total here. The posts are just scraping the length limit, and that not only doesn't lead to much happening, it screws over your friends. They have nothing to post off.

The writing, while good, has a few spelling and grammar errors. In longer posts, they'd be too few to mention, but given the small volume here, they stand out more. Largest was the lack of descriptions, especially when referring to Kaito. I had not the slightest clue he was a fisherman until Leo mentioned it later. I also had no idea what he looked like, etc. He was mostly referred to as Kaito or He.

Leonard le Clerc:

EXP: 56/100 +35 Base

and 28 Bonus.

Your XP is now 119/500

Welcome to D CLASS



Kusatta Kotei:



EXP: 80/100 +35 Base

and 21 Bonus

Your XP is now 126/500



Welcome to D CLASS!



Brandon the Penguin:


EXP: 41/100 +35 Base

and 28 Bonus

Your XP is now 76/100



You have earned 28 Poinz



Kaito Shun:
EXP: 0/100 +25 Base

and 10 Bonus

Your XP is now 35/100

Please update your profiles!