Mission 21 (Submission)

[Deleted]

Plot Title/Link: Mission 21: Oliver! Assure that Town with Your Presence!
Marine Mission Rank/Number: --
Mission Number: 21
Total Number of Posts: 17
Plot Summary:Organ Island's most populated area, Orange Town, has sent some distress signals to the Marines. They believe they might be in peril of another attack from the Buggy Pirates, now knowing that the Shichibukai has been in the Grand Line for a while and has made quite a name for himself. Essentially not caring at all about the possibility that Buggy might be seeking revenge for some bad times back on Organ Island, the marines send a single seaman recruit to essentially tell any Shichibukai that there is some Marine presence on that island and it thusly is not to be attacked.

Not wanting to waste any useful troops, the Marines sent Oliver Williams, the weakest marine who had ever made it into the Navy. Arriving with much chagrin, as he thought that he might have a crew to work with, he quickly becomes the butt of local jokes. Running into a passing pirate on his way to his post, the actual pirates that have been passing nearby take the opportunity to attack, seeing how the Marines only sent a single grunt. Seaman Recruit Oliver Williams goes to the pier to tackle the problem, despite his weakness. A hopeless venture, until the passing pirate just so happens to take interest in the pirates' booty.

Marine Division: --
Marine Name/Link: Oliver Williams
Marine Rank: Seaman Recruit
Number of Posts: 9
EXP: 0/100
Do you think you deserve a promotion: Yes
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 100%
Notes -- Arrested the Gimmickless Pirates. 15,000,000 bounty on the captain. I'd like the pay on that too, if possible.

Pirate Crew: --
Pirate Name/Link: Kusatta "Starving" Kotei
Current Bounty: 0
Number of Posts: 8
EXP: 56/100
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0%
Notes -- Performed a raid on the Gimmickless Pirates and jacked about 5000 Beri off their ship.

[Mr. Moshypocrite McSlowbro]

-------->Individual Ratings!

Oliver Williams (Ultima):

[*]Post Quality -- 3/5:

SPOILER: Click to show

The Good:

[/b]: Oliver's tactics amused the hell out of me.

Good internal dialogue: It's important, especially when a character is taking the strategic approach, to detail the character's thoughts alongside his actions. You do a great job of this!

Color codes!: I'd honestly never thought of including them like that. It saves your partner a lot of trouble. I'm actually going to do that from now on...[/ul]

The Bad:

[/b]: You seem to be in a hurry to get from one sentence to another. A bunch of things can happen in a single sentence without you actually mentioning anything about what is going on to the reader. You can slow down, if you want! Smell the roses. Similarly, you also kind of crush everything together into confusing paragraphs.

Issues with Tenses: There are a number of sentences I noticed where you flip from one tense to another, and then back again. This happens to me all the time when I'm editing or rewriting parts of a paragraph. Might wanna proofread a bit more!

Name Degredation: There a few instances where you do stuff like "Oliver would watch the ship head out to sea again, leaving Oliver behind to do the mission on his own.". Is a silly thing to repeat yourself like that.

[/ul]

The Awesome:

[/font][/ul][/spoiler][/blockquote]

Starving Kusatta (Blahblah):

[*]Post Quality -- 2/5:

SPOILER: Click to show

The Good:

[/b]: It's always good to read about not just what a character is doing, but what they're thinking while they're doing it. Makes them way more interesting.

Combat-Oriented Writing Style: You definitely enjoy battle, and it shows in your writing![/ul]

The Bad:

[/b]: This is the real kicker, as to why your grade isn't higher. You leave out details about other people, the enviroment, your character's actions, other character's actions... Honestly I was surprised to see your posts were about the word limit at times.

Cheap! Cheap Zoan Transformation. An extension of what I said above. I designed the current Zoan System, so maybe I'm somewhat biased. But you are literally defying everything in the natural world by transforming into a massive man-dino abomination. An Ancient Zoan, no less. I'd like to see you say more than "He went into his hybrid state".

Confusing Dialogue. With all your text scrunched together, and you not making it very clear who said what, it can be a bit confusing to read your posts. Possible solutions to this would be to put some proper spacing in there, add a bit more detail to the dialogue parts, or chose the ever-popular coloring of text. All of which are perfectly viable.

A word of caution Ancient Zoan or not, you have Kusatta displaying more power than an E-Rank character should have. The freedom with which he shrugs off bullet wounds is not something that he should be able to do, barring being a rubber man or something to that effect. Even Zoro early in the series, who has been established as having ridiculous endurance and is definitely above E-Rank, is staggered and partially handicapped by recieving a single bullet wound. Much less multiple.[/ul]

The Awesome:

[/i][/ul][/spoiler][/blockquote]

Errors in Template:

N/A

Totals and Endzone!

    ---->Oliver: 9/100;
    Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

EXP at Time of Submission: 0/100
Base EXP Earned: 9 Posts * 1 (For doing a Mission) = 9 Base EXP
Bonus EXP Earned: 9 Posts * 3 (Quality Bonus) = 27 Poinz
New EXP Total: 0 + 9 = 9/100

            Promotion Notice:  Marine HQ has denied your request for a promotion at this time.

Bounty Notice: This thread would not be sufficient to allow you to claim a 15,000,000 bounty. That's the price Buggy himself was worth at his first appearance. Bounties are based on the threat the person poses, and these guys went down like a sack of potatoes.

    ---->Kusatta: 80/100; 
    Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

EXP at Time of Submission: 56/100
Base EXP Earned: 8 Posts * 1 (For doing a Mission) = 8 Base EXP
Bonus EXP Earned: 8 Posts * 2 (Quality Bonus) = 16 Bonus EXP
New EXP Total: 56 + 8 + 16 = 80/100

Bounty Notice: It's possible your actions in this thread warrant retribution! If you wish to seek a bounty for your characters, you can apply for one here.

Payment Notice: It's possible your actions in this thread warrant a payout! If you wish to seek berri for your character, you can apply for a payout here.

[/font]Please update your profiles!

[Blaka]

Thanks for the feedback first of all, really going to try to improve on what you said.

About the 15.000.000 Bounty, we thought that he a) Zacharia would be way past his "prime", he got crippled trying to survive on the Grand Line, so he was stronger than when he recieved the bounty and b) he mostly recieved the bounty not by being strong but by causing a lot of destruction among civilians during his raids

[Mr. Moshypocrite McSlowbro]

S'all well and good, but my statement still stands.