Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown [Log Submission]

[Lord Bromosalino]

Log Title/Link:- Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown
Word Count:- 14,014
Brief Synopsis:-

SPOILER: Click to show

Upon receiving word that the Marchen Kingdom's second largest city, Befistigan, was under attack from the trolls, the nation gathered both their army as well as their monster hunters to repel the attack. Marine on sabbatical Isaac Saifer joined the expedition, making use of his superior speed to rush to the city in order to save a young soldier. General Grimm, leader of the hunters, proposed a plan to end the threat of the trolls once and for all but required Isaac's assistance. The attack needed to be quick however, and the duo were put on a time clock. Using his newly developed techniques, Isaac was able to create an opening for the General to put an end to the tyrannical King of the trolls. Deciding not to stay, Isaac finally left the island to continue his pursuit of James "Red Sparrow" Hideki.

Character Name/Link:- Isaac Saifer
X-Poinz at Submission:- 1379
Notable Feats:-
-Defeated two trolls, one of which was the Kong (King of the trolls).
-Developed a new aspect

[Phantasma]

Claimed.

[Phantasma]

---

Name and Link: Isaac Saifer
User: romo
Total X-Poinz: 200 [10,000+ worded log] x 0 [No bonuses as per log rules] - 20 [10% penalty] = 180 Earned XPZ


180 + 1379 [Total XPZ at submission] = 1559 New total XPZ

---

Warning: During the course of your thread Isaac displayed a remarkable ability for speed. This speed was a direct result of Soru: that's what doesn't make sense. Soru is used for bursts of quick movement and in this log it was used for endurance running. When coupled with the lack of an aspect or technique that grants this as well as Isaac's lack of enhanced stamina we've come to the conclusion this is in light violation of the rules. We understand this wasn't done purposefully or maliciously and the penalty reflects that. We encourage you to approach us if you wish to discuss this reprimand as well as other potentially confusing areas of site conduct. 

Sincerely,
     The Staff

---

SPOILER: Click to show

{Click me for notes!}Notes: It's my birthday tomorrow so I'm kinda tied for time, apologies. Off the bat the biggest issue with the writing was how... tell-y it was versus show-y, if that makes sense? Like plenty of scenes broke down into multiple tenses of supplying backstory or analogy when they could be better spent describing your surroundings. And when you actually do get into describing people you go a bit too into detail. Often it's best if you pick a few very important features, talk about them enough to highlight their importance-- and stop. There's something to be said about knowing when and where to draw the line. Nothing wrong grammar wise and logistic wise. At this point it really just boils down to making elements blend more cohesively. 

You have my confidence that it will happen. If not the next thread then perhaps a few more. You're well on your way to getting where you aim to be, Bromo. I congratulate you on that and I look forward to your continual improvement <3. 

---

Enjoy your loot!