Mycophobia

[viruswithshoes]

Lowe's Bar didn't have a reputation and it's propieter and namesake aimed to keep it that way. With it's dank atmosphere and splintered wooden chairs, it wasn't a locale begging for expansion.
If anyone had deigned to recall the pub in memory, "middle of the road" was the highest compliment that Lowe and his bar were likely to get.

The decor was intentionally off-putting and bland so as not to inflame the marines and pirates who drank there. Not so much as bar fight had broken a stick of the slowly rotting furniture.
Anyone who caused trouble in Lowe's was met by their resident bouncer.
That bouncer, a man with gentle hazel eyes and wavy blonde hair, sighed in resignation as a man with a braided goatee pinned his head to the bar by jamming a flintlock pistol in his ear.

"Is this really necessary?" Jondee asked of the man tickling his tympanic membrane with the barrel of a gun with a steady, calm voice.
"I apologize for offending your political sensibilities but our humble tavern has declared a ban on political speech. We'd rather not get people riled up."

The armed pirate with the goatee that brushed against Jondee's neck let out something like a scoff that made him sound like a tea kettle about to whistle.
"Tsssssssssssss. I can't stand you middle of the road types. You believe in freedom or you don't. I say what I want when I want. That's why I have an eight million beri bounty on my head."

The hostage who had tried in vain to cool a hot situation heard something within the gun in his ear click and clack.

[Aromancer]

The desire of the barkeep of Lowe's Bar to not cause a fuss made it one of the only establishments in town where a patron could get a drink without his ID being checked. This was good, because Viper Lee wasn't old enough to drink and didn't have an ID. This meant that while it was a slower bar, and Lee was a man of action, it was also one of the only places he could relax for a little while. Don't judge him, he didn't exactly have a ton of options!

But as it turned out, this was exactly the right bar for a guy like him to grace with his patronage! He normally obeyed the bar's rule that no fighting was to be had, but this seemed like a situation the barkeep would make an exception for.

"Y'know something," the boy said, holding his sword to the hissing man's neck, "I totally hear what you're saying. I hate those types that try to find common ground between order and chaos. But I get the feeling you and I are on different sides of that particular argument."

"An eight million beri bounty, huh?" Lee chuckled as he stood up, blade still held to the pirate's neck. "Not a bad sum, to be sure. Listen, buddy, I don't want to fight. Might get me kicked out of the bar, and I'll probably get more for taking you in alive anyway. So what say you let the nice man go, come with me nice and quiet-like, and I won't kill you?"

[viruswithshoes]

The looming pirate with the beads and jewels woven into his goatee moved his head confidently, though a blade was being held against his neck.
Blood ran down the charcoal, black shirt that hung unbuttoned on the brigand's torso.
"Do you know who the hell I am? Desmonde The Wolf Ticket. I got an eight mil bounty and I've only been out at sea a month. Straw Hat Luffy ain't got nothin' on me so you best sheath that sword before it ends up so far up your ass you'll have to cough it up next time you fight."

With speed that put most fight picking pirates to shame The Wolf Ticket swung his flintlock pistol from it's nestling place inside of his hostage's ear and attempted to point it in the direction of the person who dared to wield a weapon against him.

Jondee, the man who had previously holstered the pistol within his own ear canal wasted no time getting his head out of the line of fire only to attempt to calm things once more by foolishly clapping Wolf Ticket onto his shoulder and smiling.

The flintlock pistol once more acquainted itself with Jondee while being pressed against his forehead. The man with the wavy blonde hair and white tee shirt sporting the tavern's name and logo sighed as if annoyed.

Wolf Ticket pulled the trigger resulting in a click. Then another. The hammer of his weapon would not strike the frizzen and therefore could not discharge. The fast and dexterous pirate had no noticed that his hostage's index finger blocking the hammer of his gun and rendering it unable to fire.
"Come on, I'll get you dinner and we'll have a few laughs. I have-"

The sound of an unsheathing blade gave the friendly tavern employee his answer.

[Aromancer]

"Well, to me, you're Desmond the meal ticket!" Lee replied with a sly chuckle. "Now, you best not be bluffing, ya hear? I'm starting to think you don't ACTUALLY have an 8 million beri bounty on your head, and if that's the case, I swear I'll kill you right here and right now!" Oh well, at least if this yahoo was telling the truth about being Luffy-Tier, Viper could start to rake in WAY higher bounties!

Oh, wait, no. This guy was an idiot. Hadn't even realized the bouncer'd stuck his finger in the hammer! Yeah, no way this bonehead was worth 8 mil. Well, maybe he could at least pay his tab with the man's bounty, so long as he-

"Oh, no you don't!" Now, Lee wasn't about to allow this man to draw a sword in this fine establishment! With practiced finesse, he jammed the blade into one of his Shichishito's prongs and flicked it out of the Wolf Ticket's hands. "Disarming Blade!" The sword flew out of Desmond's hand and landed in a table some ways away.

With a practiced swing, he brought the blade back up to Desmond's neck. "I appreciate the help, bouncer-man," he said, confidently, "But I was hoping to collect this guy's bounty, so I don't think you guys'll be having drinks any time soon. You understand." He pulled out a coil of rope. "Now, get on the floor, nice and easy... I've been practicing my hog tie!"

[viruswithshoes]

Jondee, the now useless bouncer of the tavern sat upon the even more useless lump of flesh The Wolf Ticket and lit up a strange smelling cigarette using a match he had freed from the pirate's pocket.
"If only we had communicated, this would not be necessary. I will do better next time, Mister Lowe."

The easy going smoker with the thick blonde hair reached up from his flesh seat to reach for the heroic stranger's hand in order to shake it.
"Usually I can talk down our rough customers. I'm glad you happened upon us on the day I could not."
He scoffed at himself and his failure as a bouncer that day.
"Jondee. Part-timer. What about you? You can talk while I buy you a round."

The thankful young man lifted the partition separating the staff of the tavern from the customers. He returned from his trip to that foreign land bearing gifts of medium grade whiskey, which was the best in the house.
"Bend a few back and tell us what brings you here. Afterward, I can lead you to the bounty office"

[Aromancer]

"Nice to meet you, Jondee," Viper said, accepting the handshake. "Yeah, sometimes these pirate-types won't listen to any words that aren't accompanied with a blade to their neck." He shrugged, and sat back down, eyes never leaving Desmond for long.

"Viper Lee, bounty hunter," he said, to introduce himself. "Although I admit, this'll be my first bounty over 10k." Shrug. "That is, if the old man here isn't lying about the price on his head. They do that a lot, you know, and this guy doesn't really strike me as the type to be worth 8 mil."

He gratefully accepted the whiskey, tipping it back and taking a drink. "Ah... Not bad!" He looked at the man, smirking. "Yeah, I'm just here to get in some practice with smaller fries before hitting up the Grand Line! A bounty hunter who knows what he's doing could make a fortune put there!" He chuckled, then sighed. "Course, I know nothing about sailing. If I'm going to the Grand Line, I'll need a crew something fierce." He tipped back another sip of whiskey.

[viruswithshoes]

Jondee gave his new friend an overexaggerated wince once it became apparent he could not help the man.
"Wrong place for assembling a crew or looking for trouble but you're on the right island. Now the bounty office...I know where that is. Hey, boss..."
The bartender of Lowe waved his hand as if shooing off his employee.
A day off seemed natural after the ineffectual bouncer faced down a loaded gun.

"I'd join you in a drink," Jondee said grinning through his cigarette, "But I'm already at a nice level of intoxication." He clapped his new friend on the shoulder and tilted his head to the outside.

Once the afternoon sun greeted him Jondee forgot about almost having a hole shot through his cranium. Seemed like too nice of a day to dwell on such things.

Ahead of his new friend Viper, Jondee appeared in front of Lowe's Bar atop a wagon made from so many varied planks of wood it was impossible to tell how it was first made. That, along with the cow that pulled it made for a comical sight to most.
Along with it's cargo of clay pots emanating an earthy aroma, a tied up and gagged pirate was placed by the other employees of the tavern as well as a few of it's customers.

"Don't you even think of escaping, mister," Jondee told the bound man. "Chanterelle here's a racing cow. Note the shoes."
The racing shows deftly tied to the bovine's hooves didn't say as much about the cow's speed as Jondee thought.

"You'll want to hold onto something, Viper. When I called her a racing cow I wasn't being ironical."

The long haired man doused his cigarette for fear of it being blown down his windpipe once the wagon took off.
The streets of Loguetown became a blur as the four running shoes of Chanterelle his the cobblestone street. The wind blew so hard against them due to the speed Jondee didn't bother with his usual conversation due to the wind pressure.

The cow driven card weaved through traffic and obstacles like a guided missile pointed to the bounty office leaving trails of dust, hats blown off heads and many a rotating pinwheel in it's wake.
"I bet you're glad I didn't have anything to drink now, huh?"

[Aromancer]

Lee laughed at Jondee's comment. "Yeah, I know this isn't exactly Pirate Central, but come on; a guy can't go around bounty hunting 24/7, can he? It's nice to have a place like this to take a break now and then!"

He followed Jondee outside, looking around before taking in a deep breath of the fresh sea air. This island was a hotbed of pirate-related activities, but dammit, it felt free! "No need for a drink, friend; let's just get this guy to the office!


"Wait, ironical? I don't think that's a worrrrrRRRRAAAAAH!" Lee was cut off by Chanterelle's incredible speed, the two of them racing through the city's streets at a breakneck pace. It was all the young bounty hunter could do to keep the pirate they had tied up in the wagon from falling out and onto the pavement!


Lee, unfortunately, had tipped back a few back at the bar, and when the wagon finally came to a stop, he stumbled out and hobbled over to the nearest wastebin, where he promptly expelled everything he'd eaten for the past five hours. "Woah... that was insane," he said, gripping onto his head momentarily.

At least they were here now. Lee grinned as he looked up at the bounty office, then turned to Desmonde. "Alright, Mr. Wolf Ticket," he said to the tied-up pirate, "let's see if you were really telling the truth about your 8-million-berri bounty!"

He walked inside, leading the pirate by the tip of his sword. "Hey," he said, turning to his new friend Jondee. "Thanks for the help, man. I'll split the bounty with you; say, seventy-thirty? I don't really need that much dosh; just enough for a ship and crew to get me to the Grand Line! Oh, and one of those funky compass things, of course."

[viruswithshoes]

"Sorry about the rough ride. "

Jondee waved his right hand at Viper with a dismissive "Pssshh!" once the prospect of splitting the bounty with his new friend was floated.
"Just in case there really is a hell, you go on and keep that bounty. I think I'd be deserving of such a place if I took money from the man who saved my life."
The blonde bouncer smiled. "I will, however, impose upon you to have dinner at my farm. My wife makes a mushroom risotto that some might call a religious experience. I'll talk my brother into playing his glass harp. Free meal, free bed and..."
The enthusiastic grower of mushrooms patted the pocket of his faded blue shirt with a mischievous smile. "I got one 'shroom in here that I guarantee will put a smile on your face for at least two hours."

Jondee leaned in a little closer to mutter softly. "We can take a nice slow ride and laugh the whole way. It's the secret to maintaining my sunny demeanor."

The mushroom farmer gingerly opened up the corner of his brown paper packet of dried mushrooms and gestured for the pirate to stick out his hand whereupon he placed a sprinkling of dried brown fungus for the man to imbibe.
"If you like that little bit I have a whole lot more for the ride to my place."

[Aromancer]

Lee held out his hand at the sight of the mushrooms, grinning a little. "Man, where'd you get laughing mushrooms?" He asked, keeping his voice low so as not to tip the marine office off. "I thought this stuff was Amazon Lily exclusive!" He tipped the dried bits into his mouth, swallowing them quickly so he didn't have to put up with the taste for long. Then, his grin grew much wider.

"Hah hah hah! This stuff's awesome!" He cried, jumping with excitement. This was actually the boy's first experience with the shrooms, due to their scarcity. "It's not illegal, right? Otherwise I might have to take you in!" He chuckled good-naturedly.

"Alright, let's head out to your place then!" He said, grinning happily. "How could I refuse an offer like that?" He left the bounty office, having collected the money, and the two of them climbed back into the cart.

[viruswithshoes]

"I was a cook on a ship that took pirates across the Calm Belt. We had a photographer whose job it was to snap sexy amazon photos. While he did that I sampled the local mushrooms. I'd never laughed so much, cried so much, or been so angry in my life. Eating them was emotion at it's most intense."

"People go through their lives in quiet desperation not really feeling much of anything. People don't seem to be happy. We, people that is, are all around and yet disconnected. No one communicates. If people don't communicate then problems can't be solved."
The golden haired farmer made a fake wince. "Man, I'm getting too preachy."

Jondee inhaled his laughing mushroom cigarette while looking at the people they crossed on their slowed down journey to his farm.
"Mushrooms have something called a Mycorrhizal Network. They share nutrients with their colony and even have rudimentary communication. I think if people had such a thing the world would be a much better place."

After inhaling his last bit of mushroom tinted smoke the fungus farmer climbed into his wagon and clicked his tongue a few times which acted as a signal to his racing cow.
Unlike the trip to the bounty office, Chanterelle, the brown and white racing cow sporting sneakers took off at a moderate trot west out of town.

As the bag of dried mushrooms switched possession between driver and passenger Jondee maintained a constant chuckle punctuated by the occasional guffaw.

"Tell me your story, man. Why bounty hunting. Different strokes for different folks and all, but it seems like work for the desperate and lost." After a few nervous chuckles, he decided to add those two words that turned any insult into a harmless observation.
"No offense."

[Aromancer]

As Lee listened to the man's story and the two began to ride, he began refusing the mushrooms a bit. Seemed like he was pouring his heart out, and here Lee was laughing at everything he was saying! No, better to keep his wits about him. He was a bounty hunter, after all. He probably shouldn't be doing this stuff anyway; dulled the senses.

He nodded at Jondee's complaints about a lack of communication. "I can kinda see where you're coming from there," he admitted, "but don't we kind of already have that? Humans share nutrients; that's what selling food is! And we have an excellent way of communicating; you and I are doing it right now!" He chuckled lightly. "Sure, society has its problems, and the fact that not enough people are willing to listen is a big part of that. But I'm not sure a Myco-whatzit would really be that much help, ya know?"

Lee laughed at the question of his chosen profession, still feeling the mushroom's effects somewhat. "None taken! Actually, you're kinda right on the money with that guess!" He admitted with some chagrin. He sat back on the wagon, having more or less sobered up by this point. "Yeah... I don't think I'm ready to tell the whole thing yet -you seem nice, but we only just met -but I'll tell you enough.

"So, I grew up in a... stressful home. I won't get into what all happened, but we were forced to go against our "personal moral codes" to survive. Lots of seedy men took advantage of me, and back then I was a little kid who couldn't even pick up this sword, let alone use it in combat!" He pulled out the Shichishito, examining it fondly.

He sheathed it again after some introspection. "Anyway, I swore when I got older I'd bring assholes like that to justice! Obviously, I tried to join the marines, but... that didn't work out. So now here I am, hunting bounties and working for nobody but myself!"

[viruswithshoes]

Jondee sighed out a stream of smoke after finishing off the last of his cigarette of ground mushrooms.
"That's rough, dude. Everybody's gotta have connections. About to make some now."

The mushroom farmer unhitched his racing cow which zoomed across the small farm like an excited dog. Small tent-like greenhouses littered the area in lieu of traditional crops where a pale woman with waist-length black hair and gray eyes exited and shielded her eyes against the sunlight.
"Jondee told me through the mycorrhizal network that we'd have a guest for dinner," she said with a straight face as she extended her hand to Lee in greeting.
"Also, he rang me on the den den mushi," she said with a wink of her mushroom colored eye.
"I'm Black Trumpet."

As a teasing smile appeared on her slightly dirty face, the woman tugged at her soiled white dress and revealed part of a mushroom tattoo that led from the top of her chest to parts unseen.
"Obviously, my parents hated me," she jested.

"We take mushroom names to signify starting new lives," Jondee said with a laugh, though he didn't find it particularly amusing.
"I'll tell you my name at dinner,"

A large man, towering over eight feet tall with a shaved head an long, blonde goatee the same shade as Jondee's silently carried a tree trunk on his left shoulder past the crowd and grunted a hello.
"That's Chaga. Yo, Chaga! Will you play the glass harp for my friend Viper, here?"
The tall man paused, turned while still carrying the fungus festooned log and grunted something that sounded affirmative.
"That's man's voice is in his music, please take no offense."

The living space of the mushroom farmers was a fraction of the space used to grow their product beneath their series of tents.
"Much like what we grow, there's a lot more underground."

A fire pit in the middle of the one room cabin filled some of the area up with smoke but it was the sauteing mushrooms that most people would recognize upon entering.

Along with the pot of various mushrooms there baked loaves of bread in tightly packed metal containers adding to the wondrous smell. While the smell intensified and came together to form a meal, Chaga, the silent tower of a man sat on the floor behind a row of wine glasses filled with different levels of water.

The glass harp, as it was called, emitted a tone each time Chaga ran his hand over each crystal glass. A rendition of 'Bink's Sake' was played with the ethereal tones that rang out from each glass of water. Chaga, the musician who rarely spoke noticeably bit his lower lip as he played to keep it from quivering.

"Eat on up," Jondee said. "Can't remember all the kinds of mushrooms that are in it. Enoki, crying, lion's mane, shitake, laughing, oyster, angry, and uh, body mushroom."

Jondee gritted his teeth at the admission that the final mushroom in the soup was fatal, hence why the others did not eat.
"Sorry, man. You're about to become part of the mycorrhizal network whether you want to or not. I feel kinda bad about bamboozling you like this but you're about to start a connection to the rest of humanity."

The three poisoners stood up looking as if a great weight had been lifted from their shoulders.
"I owe you a true introduction. Jondee's my human name, friend. My real name is Destroying Angel."

[Aromancer]

Lee shrugged. "It isn't so bad. I don't think I would've become a bounty hunter otherwise, and I love being a bounty hunter! Even if I've only been at it for a while!" He grinned at Jondee's remark. "Aw, thanks man! I cant wait to make a connection with you, either!" Honestly, it was such a nice change of pace, meeting such a friendly soul out here so close to the Grand Line!

"Nice to meet you, Mrs. Trumpet," Lee said to the woman, taking her hand. It was an unusual name, but no more than "Viper," so he didn't think too much of it. "You've got a beautiful... is it still a "garden" if it only grows mushrooms?" He laughed a little nervously, unsure of the proper terminology.


"New lives, huh? Didn't think running a mushroom farm would be cause for that much ceremony." Lee shrugged. "Not that I'm judging, of course! But why go to all that trouble?" It seemed his question would go unanswered though, as instead of replying Jondee called to Chaga to get his "glass harp." Well, at least this should be entertaining.


"Holy crap, you live like this?" Lee was surprised by how cramped the house was on the inside. He failed to see how people could live in this way comfortably. It wasn't like they didn't have enough room; it almost felt as though they didn't even care about getting the space they needed? The basement better be a goddamn ballroom, that's all he was saying.


His qualms about their living conditions and naming conventions were pushed aside, however, as he was suddenly presented with the most delicious aroma he'd come across in years. "Oh man, that soup smells delicious!" Lee had never been one much for mushrooms, but even he had to admit the smell coming from that pot was incredible! 


He sat down at the table to await his food, nodding his head to the song being played as he waited. "Oh, I like this rhythm! What's this song called?" He'd never heard it before, but for some reason it made him tear up... or maybe that was just the crying mushrooms in the air. It was kinda hard to tell.

But the smell of the food and the skill with which the music was played were enough to achieve Jondee's goal of getting Lee to let his guard down completely. He was already eating the soup when he heard Jondee hesitate as he listed the many mushrooms inside the soup. Swallowing his current mouthful, he looked up at the man quizzically. "The hell's a "body mushroom?"

His question was quickly answered, though, as a small bump appeared on his cheek. Then another, then another! "Jondee... what the hell's happening?"

His fear only grew as the man explained his plan. Lee was going to join some sort of mushroomy hive mind? He staggered back, losing his balance as more shrooms sprouted on his body. His eyes, almost covered by mushrooms now, widened as he heard "Jondee's" real name.

Honestly, it was almost funny, how on-the-nose a name like that was. Or rather, it would be if Lee wasn't the butt of the joke! He ripped a mushroom off his face to try to see better, but it only grew right back! Looks like he'd just have to deal with having a face full of shrooms right now, until he could figure out a way to get them off.

Right now he had other priorities. Right now he had to take out these would-be poisoners. He drew his blade, the fabled Shichishito, and swung it around to point it at Jondee -sorry, "Destroying Angel." Unable to talk, he instead let his eyes convey his fury behind their fungal barrier. Then he rushed forward, thrusting at D.A. with inhuman precision and speed.

As he did so, he looked at the mushroom still in his hand. Well, just see how they like it, then; he tossed the mushroom towards Black Trumpet, his inhumanly precise throw aiming for her mouth. If nothing else, maybe he could get some hint as to how to cure this strange affliction from watching her reaction.

[viruswithshoes]

"You're becoming part of something greater," Jondee, The Destroying Angel said with a hint of sadness and envy. It was sad to see a human body die, even if became something more than human. "A troop of mushrooms. Every single one connected to every other. This is what humanity lacks. If people can't or won't practice real empathy I will force it upon them. I will destroy the walls humans build up between them."

Even as his wife, Black Trumpet, began choking on the body mushroom thrown down her throat by Viper, as his brother bled from the sword wound of the prisoner's thrust, Destroying Angel, the leader of his particular cluster did nothing.

Black trumpet did not writhe on the floor or thrash around but embraced her fate of becoming something more than human, a mushroom. From her, more body mushrooms would grow and spread their gift of connection.
The large, bald man known as Chaga shrugged off his sword wound.
"As always, my faithful shield."

"You know the plan, Chaga. We planted and now it's time to harvest." The Destroying Angel turned his attention to Viper. "You know, if you hadn't happened along I would have invited that Wolf Ticket fellow to dinner. You did a good thing and for that you get eternal life and community once we get enough body mushrooms for the rest of the town."

With a fake salute and a click of the tongue the blonde cultists vanished beneath a rug he had kicked over and into an underground cavern, many times the size of the cabin. Like the roots of a tree, or the mycellium of a mushroom there was much more going on under the ground than above it.

Jondee knew that Viper would eventually die and be harvested. Black Trumpet as well, though that was not part of the plan.
He walked through the damp, dark tunnels that led underneath his home like a labyrinth filled with mushrooms and various fungus.