A Conflict of Interest [Submission]

[Vio]

Plot Title: A Conflict of Interest: Ravens at Large!
Total Posts: 60
Plot Summary:

Arriving on the island of Sedna after managing to escape the Marines, Marlus Caine and Merle Tali take the opportunity to get some much needed rest on the island, despite its notoriety as a cold and unforgiving country. However, little were the two of them aware that a group of Sednan rebels - led by a small woman known as Axel and supported by a stranger known as Kenny Bacon - were in the midst of planning their move to overthrow the corrupt Mayor Baruch. The morning after their initial arrival, Marlus and Merle awake to find a riotous mob complaining about a large painted that had been hung on the front of Baruch's manor house. Angered by the imagery, the Mayor's attempts at defusing the situation only get worse until the ex-Marine steps into the fray and takes control of the ordeal for the sake of the people. However, Baruch's behaviour doesn't sit right with Marlus, struggling with an internal conflict that eventually leads him to want to fight for the people whom Baruch oppresses with his taxes. That night, while Axel and her group face down Baruch's militia in front of the manor, Marlus, Merle and Kenny infiltrate and hunt down the mayor...

Crew: The Ravens
Name: Marlus Caine
Current Bounty: 40,000,000
Number of Posts: 21
Experience: 580 / 1,500
Bonus Exp to Poinz %: 100%

Crew: The Ravens
Name: Merle Tali
Number of Posts: 20
Experience: 178 / 500
Bonus Exp to Poinz %: 0

Name: Kenny Bacon
Number of Posts: 19
Experience: 0 / 150
Bonus Exp to Poinz %: 0

[White Mimic]

I'm assigning this thread to Shinku.

If they are unavailable to complete the grading it shall be assigned to another grader.

[Shinku]

Overall Thread

SPOILER: Click to show

{Click Here to read}Let’s start with the first impression I’ve got from your thread: Inn? What inn? I’m sure I read that there are no inns on this island and I’m sure they read the Island description as well because they caught the people’s unfriendliness quite well in their posts, so where does that inn come from?!
*reads some more*
Hmmm… Vio’s here to save the day. I guess that explanation Vio is giving is somehow sound and logical I guess I can accept it.
Which is lucky for you boys, otherwise your posts wouldn’t fit the given setting of the island.
You picked up on it fast enough, but be more careful about it next time. If you’re going to just ignore what’s written on the Island’s description, then we wouldn’t need to have it and everyone could just make up the island as they want it to be.
Sorry for using a hammer to tell you, but SETTING is something I usually put my attention on, because sadly it’s often not getting the attention it deserves, so I wanted to make sure that point gets across.

On to other things…
You are working well together and your plot was (save for a few minor exemptions) well planned and executed. You seem to have taken time to consider each other’s motivation and actions and it shows in the outcome of the plot. As well as through the thread where the little hints of important things that haven’t yet come into play are interesting teasers and prove of your planning.
Everyone knew where you were heading to, so the flow had no interruptions and the pace was well set.
You connected your posts well, though sometimes too well, which brings me to my next point: Retelling.

Picking up stuff from the previous poster and showing your own character’s view to the situation, is a good way to connect the story, but it can also wear the reader out, if it’s badly done. Like when I as the reader, have to read about the same thing thrice.
For example:
Kenny falls down the stairs.
I get Marlus view on how Kenny falls down the stairs.
And then I get another description on how he falls down the stairs from Merle.

I’m sorry to say but… I got it, now move on. I know it can be frustrating if it’s your turn and you want to tell something, but really you should ask yourself, if you just want to go over the same thing the others did already. If you’re number 3 in the row then... Bad Luck for you. Unless your point of view is very unique and interesting just SKIP the DESCRIPTION and go straight to your character’s REACTION. Really, there is so much you can write about, no need to retell something the others have already mentioned, unless you want to draw the reader’s attention to something important… like that very interesting bookshelf or so.

Okay, as negative as my comments above might sound, I actually enjoyed the thread quite a lot. You DID put a lot of effort in the Setting, even though you messed up the beginning and you used the plot in the best way to show your characters, without being show-offs.

-------->Individual Ratings!

Marlus Caine (Vio) -- 5/5

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}The Good:

[/strong] You didn’t only explain the mysterious appearance of an inn without contradicting the previous poster, but you went much deeper in setting up the important background where your characters were moving in.
There was a good and easy to understand intro, which gave me an overview of what happened in your last thread, without just telling me what had gone on but by having Marlus think about it. Where he comes from was very important to how he acted in this thread, so I think that was very important information to the setting.
I liked to read your interactions with the NPCs. Their background always seemed well considered in your posts so their reactions felt very coherent to me.

Carefully planned character development: How should I say… This was less a character development where the character’s personality actually develops and more one where the character finds out he’s still the same. Nevertheless the character developed as a person.
After leaving the Marines, Captain Marlus Caine is struggling to find his place in the world and what does he find?
He’s still the same guy he was before, with the same approach to fighting (though he was hard pressed because there was no time to plan) and the same valuables and morals, though without the title of a Captain. The situation might have changed but he learns to accept his new life and that he doesn’t have to be someone else just cause he’s not a Marine anymore. Walking that path with Marlus as he finds out that Marlus Caine is still Marlus Caine, was a very interesting read.
[/ul]The Bad:

[/strong] Considering the time they spend with the Mayor, Marlus and Merle shouldn’t have made it back in time to hear Kenny’s speech, for he and Axel went right back to the inn where the others already waited. So they wouldn’t have been in time to hear it.
But considering how very plotstrong you were through the whole thread, this only mistake is a very minor one. [/ul]

Observations

[/strong] At the beginning of the thread, you seemed overly conscious about name degeneration, using a lot of different nicknames and descriptions to describe your character. In one post (don’t remember which one, I’m sorry) it even confused me, because I wasn’t sure who you talked about. The overuse of different names also felt slightly ridiculous to me.
Might be that you noticed it yourself, but the later posts had less varied names.
So why am I talking about something you already corrected?
Because I’m not sure if you just instinctively found your balance or if you consciously noticed what you were doing.
Like a lot of other things (descriptions and such) the “right amount” is a very subjective thing (though I think everyone can spot the extremes). I think you should think about it and then do what feels right to you.

Retelling: You have a way to re-describe things other people mention in a very elaborate and flowery way. I do love to read your descriptions and I did hear from others (Blabka) that they like to read them as well (especially if their characters are involved).
On the other hand, I’m still iffy about what to think about it. There are usually a lot of different things one could choose to put one’s focus on, so I did wonder at times if there weren’t other important things you could have described for the reader, rather than going over what’s already been mentioned, even though you do it very nicely.
Again a thing I’d like you to consider. When is it important and when are you just filling out to give more detailed picture and when is it just another layer of paint on an already painted wall?

[/ul]

The Awesome:

[/i][/ul][/spoiler]

Merle Tali (Flamey) -- 4/5

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}The Good:

[/strong] More often than not, the antagonists that people fight against are evil and cruel, or at least not very nice people. Having an opponent who, while a pirate, is still a decent human being, was very refreshing.
And:
"No hard feelings, this is just the way things are."
"You're right, no hard feelings Seb."
Nothing more to say.

Fights: I noticed that before and I’m sure I already told you as well, but you seem to really live up when the fighting starts. That isn’t to say that the rest of your posts are bad, but this is where your enthusiasm shows the most.
There’s almost always a girl to comment with “Boys…” when young men express their feelings through their fists and get really excited about it and I’m starting to feel that (at least in your case) there’s something behind that stereotype ; )
[/ul]

The Bad:

[/strong]: More than everyone else, you spend a lot of time to describe things that happen to others while Merle is just standing around doing next to nothing. While situations like that might be good for showing the inner thoughts of your character it shouldn’t be stretched out too much. Sometimes a character really is doing nothing of importance while the others are talking business and I don’t think that it’s bad if you just continue the story where the other one left it, without going into details of how your character is waiting. The reader knows she’s there, no reason to go into details. Or maybe that’s what you should always ask yourself: If your post gains deep by what you’re writing about or if you’re just filling empty space.

Driving the plot: It probably doesn’t help that Merle is easily drifting off into daydreams, making her a very thoughtful but also very reactive character, rather than an active one. She’s following Marlus around but takes very little to no effort to take the lead. While that’s not bad in itself – supportive characters are very useful – you could still make some additions to your posts. Whether you try to help in driving the plot forward or simply give your rp partners a bit more to react to, is up to you, but there should be more that others can work with.
[/ul]

And the Ugly:

[/i][/ul][/spoiler]

Kenny Bacon (Gaz) -- 3/5

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}The Good:

[/strong] You did a lot to set up the plot and to drive if forward. There was a lot of progression in your posts rather than a long retelling of what had happened in the previous person’s post already.
I liked that you used his skills as a painter as an important plot point. It’s part of who he is and it makes a lot of sense that the revo’s of Sedna would hire him because of it, rather than just for his fighting skills, which they would have a harder time to judge as Kenny isn’t a well-known pirate with a bounty, but a newbie.
You’re introducing the important NPCs early and hint the plan without spoiling it to the reader, which is a good combination as it shows that there actually IS a plan and you’re not just wing it as you go as well as keep the reader curious. And you also offer your rp partners something to work with. Keep that part up.

Humor: Doesn’t work well with every character but Kenny is a bit of a goofy person, so him being clumsy or doing silly stuff can really lighten up the mood of an otherwise rather serious plot. Not to mention that he’s cocky and overconfident, which leads him into situation where being in trouble makes sense.
It’s not only about his personality and actions though. There are a few funny interactions (see the quote) as well as funny outside things. I really liked the Harry Potter reference.
Considering how we are a One Piece rping site and how much OP focus on jokes, that really should be more of a standard.

Adaptable: After Vio brings up the point with the inn, you at once jump on and provide further prove for its reasons or existence, having Axel show up as the business woman of the place who wants to make money with the foreigners.
You also seemed to have some sort of plan when you had the mayor notice Kenny, but since Marlus showed up, you gave it a spin. (Unless that was planned in that form from the beginning? Sometimes it’s hard to tell, but it seemed like you changed your own plans to fit with the others.)
Short things short, it’s a very important skill for a rp to have. Even if you plan ahead, you never really know what the others might throw at you, so adapting to the situation and keeping it coherent to what has happened before is a good thing.

[/ul]

The Bad:

[/strong] Best would be too just chop them off and turn them to a tasty soup- err… no... actually… nevermind that.
Unlike the others, you had a lot of spelling mistakes and most of them seemed to be caused by your fingers, rather than your knowledge on how to spell. It looks to me that you’re trying to get the words out of your head as fast as possible and your fingers can’t keep up with you, leading to a lot of jumbled words.
Example:
“The girl would shift around to sit in front of him and tilted her head to the side to sow how intrigued she as in this man’s past, though he didn’t want to talk about it she was going to be Sednan and straight to the point.”
That’s Show and Was I assume.
[/ul]

[/strong] I can see you put in effort in creating them, but it still feels as if they’re lacking something. The Sedna “goons” are going from very hostile to very supportive, even cheering for Kenny and his plan. That’s quite a remarkable change considering their usual disposition. I do expect that people want to see their characters success and that sometimes this leads to a bit of plot armour, but taking the NPCs motives and intentions into consideration, is still important. If you need to bend the personalities of your own character or that of others, then you’re doing it wrong. Better to adjust the plot than the people.
As for Axel, I have a hard time placing her for she seems to change face and behaviour ever so often that it’s hard to spot the core beneath the front.

Motivation: His motivations for joining are clear and well described and yet!
Flashbacks are a powerful weapon and while not badly done, I think you might have gotten even more feelings out of this. Kenny is thinking about his sister, and that’s what is driving him to go through such lengths, so there are a lot of emotions there! Grab them, use them! Do your very best to get the reader to feel as your character does.
It’s hard to say what exactly weakened the effect, but part of it was that it came out of the blue without giving me time to get into the feeling of importance. I’m not telling you to drag it out, but you should give such an important part of the story the time and room it deserves.


[/ul]

The Awesome:

[/i][/ul][/spoiler]
Errors in Template:

Kenny Bacon has 3/150 Exp

Totals and Endzone!

---->Marlus Caine: 685/1500 Exp and 105 Poinz
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}EXP at Time of Submission: 580 Exp
Base EXP Earned: 21 * 5 = 105 Exp
Bonus EXP Earned: 21) * 5 = 0 Exp + 105 Poinz
New EXP Total: 580 + 105 + 0 = 685 Exp + 105 Poinz

---->Merle Tali: 358/500 Exp
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}EXP at Time of Submission: 178 Exp Base EXP Earned: 20 * 5 = 100 Exp
Bonus EXP Earned: 20 * 4 = 80 Exp
New EXP Total: 178 + 100 + 80) = 358 Exp

---->Kenny Bacon: 155/500 Exp Congratulations on Achieving D-Class
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}EXP at Time of Submission: 3 Exp
Base EXP Earned: 19 * 5 = 95 Exp
Bonus EXP Earned: 19 * 3 = 57
New EXP Total: 3 + 95 + 57 = 155 Exp

Please update your profiles!

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