[Submission] Infiltrating the Marine Base

[EriChar]

Plot Title/Link: Infiltrating the Marine Base
Marine Mission Rank/Number:
Mission Number:
Total Number of Posts: 92

Plot Summary:

SPOILER: Click to show

A grand tale of the consequences of desire, our plot finds the aspiring Pirate Ishika Daiyuu coming across the Bounty Hunter known as Pluto, as well as his little sister Rebecca. The ‘Blood Reaper’ already being in the land of Jreum thanks to previous adventures, the Dark Mistress arrives thanks to the help of a wealthy and well bound dupe, heading toward the market on the trail of a rumour about a Devil Fruit. Exploring the market, after a little trouble with a zealous merchant, Miss Ishika finds our demonstrative hunter having a duel with a sword seller, leaving both her and the crowd stunned at the magnificent movements he can perform.

Distraction put aside, Yuu then finds the target of her search, and enters something of a pantomime battle between herself, a gang of pirates and the merchant who holds the item. Battle tearing up the marketplace and catching the attention of the hunting siblings, at the urging of his sister, Pluto subtly intervenes to aid our leading lady and she proves victorious over both the merchant and veteran sea dog ‘Bowie the Knife’. Triumph proving short lived, while the woman wins her battle, it catches the eyes and ears of the nearby Marine base and she is thrown in jail while her fruit is confiscated by the greedy officer Manchu.

Ever the purveyor of the Devil Fruit, whilst Miss Ishika finds herself incarcerated, an incognito Pluto uses his own devils ability to break into the Marine base and set her free. Forming an impromptu alliance, the pair raid the Marine base in search of the fruit, but their initial finding is merely an angry Marine by the name of Takon Yuudou. The powerful defence of this Marine proving too much for the lady, she leaves the battle in the hands of the ‘bat man’ while she continues her search. Yuu tracking down the man who took her Devil Fruit, after a little tortuous persuasion, she consumes the item on the spot and before heading off to find more trouble. Facing a punishing encounter with a Marine commander, Pluto overcomes his enemy after a struggle and opts to return to his sister to recover.

Meanwhile, the dominatrix having roused the prison block into a riot, she tears through the Jreum base with the freed captives as her crew. Causing carnage in their wake, the activity attracts the eye of Marine Captain Maria Barton, who pursues the crew out of the base with fellow leader Mazima Wills. Daiyuu directing her militia toward the dock, intent on stealing a few battleships and continuing her rampage into the sea, their force is stopped by the intervention of the two captains.

Pluto now back at the dock with his sister, he acts to stop the pirates but ends up battling Mazima, who seems to mistake the bounty hunter for a pirate. Yuu fighting her fellow female, the devil fruit that the girl possesses proves a difficult prospect to overcome, and comes close to defeat. However, thanks to the overconfidence of her enemy providing a weakness, and the reveal of the chain power that the wicked woman had been given by the fruit, Daiyuu proves a savage winner of the battle. Pluto overcoming yet another Marine officer, the experience and variety of the hunter counters the multiple rokushiki that Captain Wills exhibits, and our two protagonists prove the victors.

Left with a moment of peace, while the dominating dear asks the bounty hunter to join her crew, the Blood Reaper refuses and they share a short conversation until Marine gunfire sends them their separating ways. Parting as friendly rivals, Pluto is left with her sister while Yuu begins to weave her legacy on the seas, having stolen a Marine battleship for her co-opted crew. Who knows what the future will hold for either of them?

Bounty Hunter Guild: N/A
Bounty Hunter Name/Link: Pluto
Bounty Being Collected: N/A
Number of Posts: 46
EXP: 1135/1500
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0%

Pirate Crew: N/A
Pirate Name/Link: Ishika Daiyuu
Current Bounty: N/A
Number of Posts: 46
EXP: 100/500
What percentage of bonus exp do you want as Poinz?: 0%

[Lord Bromosalino]

Hm, this thread hasn't been bestowed with dibs yet? I therefore shall.

[Lord Bromosalino]

-------->Individual Ratings!

BlacKitten(Pluto) -- 5/5

Wow. Simply wow. Honestly, it’d be hard to say what was so good about the thread without referring people to actually reading the thread for themselves. Honestly, a very fun thread to read, even if it didn’t come across as a wacky, light-hearted thread. There were quite a few different dynamics at play, and you played yours quite nicely. Pluto was excellently portrayed and a fun character. He did come across as a serious young boy, but the interactions with Rebecca really added an extra layer to his personality and character as a whole. It’s nice seeing people not be one-dimensional when it comes to their portrayal of their OC’s. Also, since we’re on the subject of Rebecca, you do a very nice job of fleshing her character out as well. In fact, anyone who read the thread would hardly think of Rebecca as a secondary character. I also enjoyed any scene that contained a fight. As a martial artist myself, I found the level of detail in every technique, counter, and strategy to be very refreshing compared to most scenes of combat we see. Each post flowed seamlessly and it was nice to see how you spaced your interactions apart with Char’s character. What I mean by this is that we see (here on BV) two posters (or more) start a thread, and voila! Two (or more) strangers are suddenly best friends and sharing adventures together. Reading this thread was a very nice change to that ‘standard’. The thread instead flowed naturally, and made the read just that much better. As for grammar/spelling, execution, and general creativity of the thread, everything was at a high level. Good job!

That being said, I do have a few complaints, none big enough to drop your score but definitely worth mentioning. The first being your choice of sentence structure. Close to90% of your sentences was compound-complex sentences. This type of sentence structure is most definitely the most complex when it comes to putting words together. So what’s the problem? Well, you stuck to this kind of sentence structure a tad too much. This makes it seem a bit stagnant and repetitive. Mixing compound-complex with just complex and even simple sentences makes posts easier to read. Like I said, there isn’t anything wrong with this, but just something to help ‘spice up’ your writing.

The second issue had the potential to lower your grade. You had a few awkward sentences that made me stop. Luckily, it was so rare that I found only four examples in a seven page thread! Below are some sentences taken straight out of your posts:

While it was true that marines do purchase these swords, practically every business around here would do negotiate with the military.

“Wait, now! Don’t be hasty. Why would cut down my own customer? That’s insane.”

Long ago, when it came to convincing Maru to train him, they form a contract.

Despite his cold demeanor, her opponent never bring himself to land a violent strike against her.

Had this been a reoccurring issue, I would have made this a bigger deal. But, like I said, the issue was so few and far between that this was likely the case of missing a keystroke. A quick proofread of your posts should help clean this up.

In conclusion, I have two complaints (technically, its only one complaint and one suggestion) in a seven page thread. Well done!

---

Char-samama(Ishika Daiyuu) -- 5/5

It’s been too long old friend! Finally I’m graced to read another one of your threads, and man, what a thread indeed. Daiyuu was a perfect counter the mostly emotionless Pluto. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say Miss Yuu is the real Char-samama. Scary thoughts *shudders*. Anyway, back to the actual thread. As I mentioned above, anyone would be hard pressed to say that this wasn’t an exceptional thread worthy of the grade. Your use of heavy descriptions and the occasional alliteration were a nice touch to your posts, making your content that much ‘meatier’. As with BlackKitten, your use of NPC’s was exceptional, and you even posted a thread from the point of some random bald dude! This was a very clever way of introducing our little heroine’s next obstacle. However, the thing that stood out most for me was your use of third-person view throughout the thread. This was a very unusual choice (considering Yuu is your OC), but I think it was a very smart choice. Your posts read like a story more than anything, and considering that this is exactly what we do on BV (storytelling), this stylistic choice was fun to see and read. Outside of that, everything else that I’ve come to expect from a Char-samama thread was there; grammar and spelling was nearly perfect, execution and creativity was there, and the Char flare was definitely there. Well done, friend.


However you too were subject to an error every now and then. Luckily, like BlacKitten, they were sparse and likely due to a missed keystroke.

Crowd to stunned or awed to speak,… (wrong to, should have been too. Tsk, tsk)

Did they a bomb or something. (and then next sentence start, kind of an awkward sentence, wouldn’t you agree?)

Also there were times I found our ‘lead lady’ a bit too calm. For example, when first seeing Pluto’s transformation in the cell, we have to remember how uncommon Devil Fruits are. Her jaw dropped, sure, but it still seemed like you really tried to never break out of her character mold of being perfectly calm and composure at all times. It just seemed like a perfect place to add another layer to Yuu, but it was passed up on. This isn’t a cause for concern however. It is however a chance that maybe allows Yuu to break character once and develop. Just a thought for you to mull over.

Fortunately, neither of these drops your score. Like your partner, I have one critique and one suggestion for you. And trust me, I tried to nitpick, I really did. But you (and you too BlacKitten) made it hard for me to find faults with the thread. Well done!

---

Errors in Template:

N/A

---

Totals and Endzone!

---->Pluto: (New Total EXP for Player 1);
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

EXP at Time of Submission: (1135/1500)
Base EXP Earned: (46) * (5 For doing a Story Mission) = (230)
Bonus EXP Earned: (46) * (5) = (230)
New EXP Total: (1135) + (230) + (230) = (1595/3000)

---->Player 2: (Ishika Daiyuu);
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

EXP at Time of Submission: (100/500)
Base EXP Earned: (46) * (5 For doing a Story Mission) = (230)
Bonus EXP Earned: (46) * (5) = (230)
New EXP Total: (100) + (230) + (230) = (560/1500)

Congratulations on achieving your new ranks! Please update your profiles!

---

Bounty Notice: It's possible your actions in this thread warrant retribution! If you wish to seek a bounty for your characters, you can apply for one here.

Payment Notice: It's possible your actions in this thread warrant a payout! If you wish to seek berri for your character, you can apply for a payout here.

---