A Kingdom of Conscience (Sub)

[Vio]

Plot Title: A Kingdom of Conscience: Ravens Take Flight!
Total Number of Posts: 33
Plot Summary:

SPOILER: Click to show

Merle Tali, a wandering Fishwoman, arrives on Jreum Island, home to the North Blue's bastion of hope and justice: Marine Base B-1. Her goal? Sell on her recent catches just to get by as she normally does, but such a thing quickly turns out to be her downfall. With a recent attack by a group of Fishman pirates upon the Battleship known as the Zophiel, the men and women of the base are treating all cases of the 'lesser' race with more extreme prejudice than normal. What results is the arrest of Miss Tali, but that is just one half of a story that will decide the future of another man. Marine Captain Marlus Caine, renowned archer and officer in charge of the Zophiel - the very vessel currently in for repairs.

Bored and conflicted, the man with violet hair finds himself called in to interrogate their most recent prisoner, but Captain Caine gets more than he bargained for when he learns of the issues surrounding Merle's arrest. Despite his best efforts to get the girl free, even going so far as to try and talk to one of his superiors regarding the matter, Marlus fails. And that pushes him over the edge. What follows that night is a jailbreak, the Marine turning against his brothers and sisters in arms simply to do what he sees as right, and that is where this tale will take us...

Name: Marlus Caine
Number of Posts: 16
EXP: 500 / 1,500
Poinz?: 100%

Name: Merle Tali
Number of Posts: 17
EXP: 0 / 100
Poinz?: 0% (okie)

[Flame]

0%

[RK]

WHATS THIS?

THIS THREAD HASN'T BEEN GRADED YET AND ITS BEEN 10 DAYS?!

I SHALL TAKE ON THE CHALLENGE!


WHATS IS THIS
IT TOOK ME 11 DAYS TO GRADE THIS 
CULMINATING TO A TOTAL OF 21 DAYS FOR THIS TO BE GRADED
I F***ING SUCK

-------->Individual Ratings!

Marlus Caine (Vio-Chwan) -- 4/5

SPOILER: Click to show

The Good:

[/b]: Marlus emanated something that i could only describe as true authority. As i read your posts i felt like he was someone that i know i would be glad to serve under. Marlus truly lives up to his title of Captain, and i'm quite excited to see what comes from him in the future.

Impeccable Spelling and Grammar: The title says it all here really, as expected of you Vio, i was hard pressed to find errors in your writing, and thus, made reading your posts smooth and allowed me to not undergo confusion if Marlus were to say "Walk through a Doot"

TRAITOR: I'm all for characters doing the right thing, and to be honest, i've never actually seen a Marine traitor done in thread, so this is bound to have some repercussions linked to it. It was a good experience while i witnessed it.[/ul]

The Bad:

[/b]: This is just a bit of a peeve, but i wish that Captain Barton had used her power a bit more. I always enjoy seeing just how much an NPC can do before they're whisked away to be never seen again. Unless of course she'll be making a return.


The Awesome:

[/i][/ul][/ul][/spoiler]

Merle Tali (Flame) -- 4/5

SPOILER: Click to show

The Good:

[/b]: I absolutely love Merle. Not just because she's a Fishman, but because her attitude as a Fishman in her current situation is so appropriate and i just can't.

Also good on Spell&Gram: Totally expected from a veteran like yourself as well. All of your posts were well written and i found little to no errors. Good Job Flame, keep this up and you'll get a Flamey Snack.


The Bad:

[/b]: This is totally me and not you, but long Japanese attack names are, for the most part cause my brain to feel hurt and die. This isn't so much of a con, since i'm probably the only one affected by this or who cares, but putting in a translation at the bottom would be super helpful for a dumbo like me so i can read the attack name in english and not have a mini brain fart.

Stating the Obvious: I saw this more at the end of the thread than anywhere, but stating the obvious is painfully boring since it presents the knowledge to the reader that the character knows that the reader knows what the character already knows. While its used more to allow verbal communication between Merle and Marlus, spice can be added onto any sentence to make it seem less dry.


[/ul]

The Awesome:

[/i][/ul][/ul][/spoiler]
Errors in Template:

N/A

Totals and Endzone!

---->Marlus Caine: 580/1500;
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

EXP at Time of Submission: 500/1500
Base EXP Earned: 16 * 5 = 80
Bonus EXP Earned: 16 * 4 = 64(PUT IT ALL ON POINZ)
New EXP Total: 500 + 80 + 0 = 580

---->Merle Tali: 153/500;
Details:

SPOILER: Click to show

EXP at Time of Submission: 0/100
Base EXP Earned: 17 * 5 = 85
Bonus EXP Earned: 17 * 4 = 68
New EXP Total: 0 + 85 + 68 = 153/500 

WELCOME TO D RANK BABY

SPOILER: Click to show

Please update your profiles!

[RK]

dunt duble potst kidz

(just to get the thread seen, wouldn't make sense to delete and re post the grading)